


A blessed unrest

by Necronaut666



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Art School, Art Theft, Artists, F/M, Fluff, Inspired by Art, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, Smut, Students
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-24 09:43:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6149503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Necronaut666/pseuds/Necronaut666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey is a young sculptor from impoverished town of Jakku. Her life suddenly changes when she is granted a prestigious scholarship at a private art school. Soon she discovers being an artist is not only rewarding, but also dangerous work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. May the stopping never start

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
>   
> 
> 
> This is a fic inspired by my years as an art student. While writing it I recalled my own stories and anecdotes, so many of the situations and characters are very loosely based on real events. This is written entirely for fun and on a lighter note than my other fiction.
> 
> The most logical decision considering the school would be to place it somewhere near Britain, but the teaching system is largely invented to justify the plot and make it easier to relate to my experiences. I hope you would enjoy reading it as much as it was fun for me to write.

 

_ “It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done.”  _

This crisp, golden autumn is an entirely new thing to her. Rey marvels at golden boughs  and brick houses covered with red vines. She curses herself for hiding her sketchbook deep on the bottom of her enormous suitcase.  She would gladly stop here and now, answer the call of this wonderfully pleasant bench in most scenic part of the park . The city of Coruscant is so different from her hometown, the derelict Jakku. The only park there  is littered beyond belief, and all architecture consisted of derelict _ plattenbau* _ blocks adorned with dirt. Here, instead of crumbling concrete and ugly socrealist sculptures which looked like some rejected props from bad sci-fi flick, all she sees are romantic wrought-iron fences and late blooming roses. The girl stops for a minute, absorbs the light, faint smell of firewood and the colours with eyes wide open, as if she  has just regained her sight after a long ilness.  She congratulates herself on not taking the cab from the airport, marveling at the sights.

She couldn't be happier now, on this beautiful island near Scotland's shores, and imagines it's many secrets: druidic groves, secret stones and old woods, all for her to claim.  She  was dreaming  and fantasizing   about them, watching the photos in a folder sent to her by the university in her old, seedy flat. Rey shudders at the memory of her lonely life, a derelict room and it's stained ceilings, flaking wallpapers and faded icons in gilded frames.  Scavenging the trashcans,  selling old records under the watchful eye of Mr. Unkar. Years of praying that he wouldn't call child services on her.

Everything begins to fade like an old toy left in a shop's window for too long. She is free now. The prestigious scholarship she had applied  for lets her study without being afraid, and Rey even dares herself to think she would be able to support herself by selling some of her sculptures.  For a moment a thought distracts her.

_ Would my parents be proud? _

Rey  hasn't got a word from them since they've escaped to the West, promising to come back for her as soon as they  got settled somewhere. She is 19 years old now and needs no one to return for her.

Treading through the city streets, her suitcase tumbling on cobblestones, the young traveller finally reaches her destination.  She  has chosen this pretty tenement with a little tower and clock on its corner purely for it's aesthetic value and the view to a green park, not wanting to live in a crowded dorm. Besides, the guys who are to be her roommates seemed nice enough, and one of them, Finn, agreed to receive all her deliveries so she wouldn't have to haul everything at once.

Rey chooses the right number on the intercom but no one answers, so her first decision is to sit on a curb and call Finn. To her discontent, her old flip phone turns out to be completely discharged and elegant girl coming out of the nearby coffe shop gives  a condescending glance at her fumbling with the device.

_ I need to get a new phone,  _ Rey thinks and almost throws the useless junk at the ground when she feels something soft and warm brushing at her leg. It turns to be an extremely fluffy and chubby calico cat, fawning over her and cooing friendly.*  She briefly forgets about the phone and scratches the kitty behind her ear carefully.  Cat responds with enjoyment, barging at Rey's knees.  It's fun how her own mistakes turn into pleasant surprises here.

"Oh, BB-8, there you are!" Someone shouts and the cat rises from her knees, greeting the man behind her with tail in the air. He has an infectious smile and even his dark eyes sparkle with joy as he picks up the purring  ball of happiness.

"Poe would have killed me if I had lost you". The guy speaks to the cat. Then the quickly glances at the suitcase and it's owner.

"Oh, you must be Rey! I'm sorry, I had to go search for this fluffy rascal! Were you waiting long?"

He attempts to hug her holding the cat simultaneously, and their greetings quickly turns wonderfully awkward.

"You're Finn, I presume?" Rey ask, just before Finn places slightly confused cat in her arms and proceeds to lift her luggage.

"Yes.  Poe is doing an air show and would be back next week. I'm taking care of BB-8 " Finn nods at the cat which is already squirming in her arms. As they ascend through the narrow staircase she asks:

"He named the cat BB-8? What does that even mean?"

"According to him, she was as small as a plane part where he had found her. So he named her after that part. He's the only person in the world who could have such an idea"

BB-8 meows desperately hearing her own name, but Rey holds the cat her firmly in place.

They reach the third floor and enter the flat. Rey can finally release BB-8 from her grasp - they both seem relieved. The cat promptly starts sniffing her belongings.

"Let me show you to your room" Finn smiles at her and leads her through the corridor. The place has an atmosphere of pretty well-groomed nerd cave, with movie posters adorning the wall, occasional wine bottles standing on the shelves mixed up with comic books and figurines.  The huge screen with a Playstation acts as a centerpiece in their common space, and judging by beer bottles discreetly strewn around the couch, acts as a shrine for  inhabitants.  Rey instantly feels at home and her imagination runs wild. She can see herself curled on the couch with a cat on a rainy day or drawing while lounging on a windowsill.

Her room pleases her too, all in delicate beiges and whites.   There is a huge bed with well-worn, but otherwise clean quilt and simple and clean furniture. The packages with her scuplting tools she had sent from Jakku lie neatly on the desk, unopened;  she also ordered a new computer which waits patiently in a cardboard box. She reminds herself of her old one, left along with the past. She would hopefully never have to act as a scavenger again.

"You haven't got much stuff with you" Finn remarks. "I've expected you to come with full entourage. Like, one hundred pair of shoes"

"I have one hundred pairs of chisels and almost two hundred pairs of brushes" she laughs. "Is it enough for you?"

"More than enough."  He then excuses himself, leaving the room to order a pizza in honor of her arrival. Rey remains alone in the room. She lies on a bed for a while, digging her fingers into the soft quilt. The ceilling is impeccably white and she smiles at the lack of cracks, watching the light play on the white planes.   Then she opens the suitcase, takes out a pair of her worn-out, grey clothes and sets off to take a shower.

 

As soon as Rey is out of the bathroom Finn awaits her with a dinner and a cold beer. She starts wolfing down the food, noticing how everything in this place seems to have sharper taste, brighter colours, more vivid details.

"Are you studying at Vis* too?" She asks Finn while picking the most suitable pizza piece from the box.

"Yes, I'm taking graphic design. You're on sculpture, aren't you? I've been there for a year before I had switched" 

"Is there something wrong with sculpture faculty? Maybe I'm getting myself into something really bad?"

"As long as you won't choose modern department, it's all good"  Finn tries to act reassuring. "I just didn't like the staff and people there. You can try to get to Master Skywalker's class, but he's very picky. He rarely takes any students so getting to work under his guidance is like winning an Oscar" Finn takes a sip of his beer, as Rey draws patterns on a frosty bottle.  Meanwhile BB-8 stares patiently at the pizza box. Her efforts are finally rewarded as she  gets a small piece of pepperoni.

"I'm already afraid I wouldn't fit well into the crowd of artsy ladies, don't scare me further" Rey scoffs playfully.

"I would be attending art history classes with you for sure. I flunked it last year. Old San Tekka demands full attendance and let's be honest - waking up after a party and going to a lecture only to hear an old man laugh at pyramids isn't exactly a dream come true"

"Let me guess, old teacher's jokes?"

"They're not even jokes" Finn rolls his eyes "I don't even know what's that funny. He talks, for example, about Merenptah Stele and starts chuckling all of sudden."

"Maybe he knows the hieroglyphs and laughs at all  _ Yo momma  _ jokes we don't even know are there" *

They spend the remainder of an evening  drinking and laughing, exchanging jokes and stories. Rey's eyes smile and as she stumbles to her bed, slightly tipsy, she can't help but revel in a feeling that something good is going to happen. As she wraps herself with a borrowed duvet, BB-8 curls at her feet.

She is safe and she is finally home.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Plattenbau is a block of flats made from entirely premade, concrete parts. It's extremely popular in ex-Soviet Union and neighbouring countries. I imagine Rey as a girl coming from ex-Soviet Republic and I had based some of her backstory on film "Lilja 4 Ever". Rey is just a bit more lucky.  
> *BB-8 has a colour pattern similar to a diluted calico cat, and calicos are always female. This is the reason I refer to BB-8 as a "she"  
> *Vis is a Latin word for "force" and a lot of people I have asked about it agreed for it to be the most appropriate here. So, Vis Academy of Arts.  
> *The first "Yo Momma" joke discovered is actually on a Mesopotamian tablet. The tablet is cracked, so the punchline is lost for ages. Also yes, I had a lecturer who had laughed for no reasons and we all thought he could read all the ancient dirty jokes.


	2. The loner who looks fabulous

                                                                                                                     

 

_ “The most important thing about art is to work. Nothing else matters except sitting down every day and trying.”  _

The lecture is as boring as Finn had predicted and even Rey's wide-eyed enthusiasm  couldn't help  her now. They both sit near the end of the lecture room. Finn plays on his 3DS as Rey takes her time on figuring the scholarship paperwork - a long, boring process with many brackets to fill. She longs for the lush garden surrounding Vis Academy of Arts, where warm autumnal sun mingles between oak branches. Earthy smell of falling leaves fills her imagination. Contemplating on skipping next class, she gazes dreamfully through clear panes of the gothic window.

She and Finn are almost inseparable and Rey is extremely grateful for choosing him among all the other roommates. Especially facing the fact that she doesn't seem to get well with other students. She immediately saw them gossiping about her choice of attiree and foreign accent - apparently looking vaguely dark and punk-ish was fashionable now and her sand-coloured sweaters and natural hair were rather odd. She also quickly discovered that obsessing over the professors, even the ones who didn't look like young Indiana Jones, was a favorite pastime. She started to wager with Finn when the first girl starts fawning over old San Tekka for the sake of it.

She stares in the windows so intently she doesn't even notice the lecture is already over and ink from fountain pen pooled on application form in the meantime. Finn has to elbow her in the side to wake her up. She rises almost to quickly, clutching a handful of papers and follows her friend outside.

Finn quickly picks a bench in front of the university - magnificent gothic building cast in grey stone. The weathered walls have seen generations of students and countless unrests, but now they seem blissfully serene.  As friends get out their coffee cups and share a bagel for quick breakfast, cold gust of the sea wind surprises Rey, prompting her to cover herself with her favorite scarf, the Russian one adorned with blue flowers on cream background. Despite weather's deception, they both seem relaxed. Finn lounges in his leather jacket and sunglasses and taps quick messages into his phone.

"What is your next class?" He asks nonchalantly.

"I have drawing class with Ms. Kanata" Rey replies while checking the timetable "But I'm not really into going.  Let's go and have a beer on the seaside. I can always lie that I had to do my paperwork at the dean's office"

"Go. You're going to like this, I promise you"

"So you're saying that some cute guy is modelling today?"

"I wouldn't count on it" he remarks and Rey groans and rolls her eyes in reply.

Rey laughs and takes another sip, stretching herself on the bench.  Gazing carefully at the passerbys, she takes pride in how many details she is able to notice. The light glance on that girl's red hair, vibrant blue colour of older man's jacket, the way clouds contrast with green hills. This was always her greatest strength, to pick up beauty in small things, unnoticeable patterns.  No one suspected how essential for survival it was - to be able to pick something valuable in the trash pile, find a diamond in the rough. 

And suddenly this man enters the scene, and she cannot take her eyes off him. Girls from her class do it too , huddling closer and whispering as he passes them by.  Dressed in long, black trench coat, he towers over everyone around. 

And God, he's handsome.  Halo of black, feathered hair frames his  pale face with long, sharp features.  Black, thick rimmed round glasses hide his dark-lined eyes.  But Rey pays most of her attention to his hands - long, elegant fingers, deceptively frail but also reminding her of sharp talons. The hands of a pianist or painter.  She allows herself to gaze for a minute with fascination, thinking intently on drawing those hands later in the evening, imagining herself working each crevice, each plane with a delicate touch of her pencil. 

 

And all of sudden this stranger catches her gaze, and she almost can see her reflection in the sunless shutters of his eyes.  She tries to avert them but to her surprise cannot, and her cheeks burn red as she's caught in the act. Anyway, he doesn't seem to mind her staring, watching her with intent curiosity over the heads of eager students.  When the man disappears behind the main door, Rey finally utters the question.

"Who is he?"

"Remember when I told you I left sculpture for a graphic design course? Well, that man is one of the reasons".

"Is he a professor? He seems young"

"An assistant.* He leads a class on performance  arts. You will have to take part in it if you want to choose the modern route."

Why, of all the students, all the girls, he looked at her like that?  His gaze wasn't condescending or   disdainful - Rey is painfully used to it - but careful and interested. She tries to brush it off like a lint on her jacket, but the image is ingrained into her mind from now on.  Finn seems to be disappointed in her reaction and Rey is not even sure if she could ask of this man's name.

"We have twenty minutes to classes. Are you going to give Ms. Kanata a shot?" Finn taunts her playfully.

"I hope it's worth it and the guy will be at least in his thirties" She replies.

The drawing class takes place in the attic, where enormous windows let milky, diffused light into the spacious studio. Ms. Kanata turns out to be a petite, middle aged Asian lady in boho dress and knitted scarf. Despite her fragile appearance she commanders both students and models with iron hand and undeniable force.  But Finn was right - Rey immediately feels safe in her presence.  She takes a place before  the model, an older lady, and throws herself into work. The steady motion of a pencil in her hand calms her - the work is like Zen to her and soon she drifts away.

"Your work reminds me of Canova" The voice snaps Rey out of a stupor. Mrs. Kanata laughs at her surprise. "Your lines are definite, well cut but soft and nuanced simultaneously. You see the light when you draw." The lady crouches and puts on her glasses, bringing her face closer to the paper. "Have you thought about your future path? Your basic skills are well rounded. Now it's only the  matter of finishing touches".

"I've considered applying for Master Skywalker's class" Rey admits.

"Just as I thought" she smiles. "You should start working, then. Master Skywalker takes almost no students, so you should be prepared to dazzle him by the end of semester"

The teacher applies some minor corrections and moves to another student. Rey in the meanwhile decides to focus back on her drawing and leave decisions for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Kylo is an assistant - during my studies it was someone who had some classes on his own, but was still supervised by the professor of his choosing and had to complete assignments during the schoolyear. Assistants also acted as a help for their masters in studio. So Kylo is actually someone between teacher and a student.
> 
> Thank you for all the kind words! :)


	3. Glorious and fantastic mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Poe and Finn introduce Rey to the glorious and fine art of Facebook stalking. Everybody does that ;)

_ “Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.” _

The pattern of shadows on her ceiling is fantastic. The Saturday is lazy and Rey lies in her warm bedding just in an underwear, listening to Joan Baez crooning lazy tunes. Her hair are tousled on the pillow, pencils lie scattered on her bedsheets and cup of warm coffee chases the windy, rainy day out of her bedroom. She is like a cat today, sleepy and unmotivated.

She tried to draw this man's hands. He piqued her interest enough to appear in some of her dreams, and judging from Finn's response, he has an interesting backstory. She isn't pushing for more yet, afraid of breaking her new friend's trust, but she surely wants to know more.

Her first week was hectic and she is relieved to stay in her bed for a while, cutting down on impulses. Overstimulation shows in chaotic lines of her sketches and it takes time to make them clear again, bend to her will. Rey thinks it's the first weekend when she isn't standing on the flea market, trying to sell anything she had found under Mr. Unkar's hungry eye. 

During her stay the room gains its own character: she places candles on the desk and flowers on the windowsill, finally able to indulge herself in things beautiful but unnecessary.  The shelves are cluttered with albums she hauls from the library by the dozen.  Being skilled in visiting thrift stores, she quickly builds herself a wardrobe and finds pictures to hang on the bare walls. Her allowance isn't much, but to her it means a fortune - she buys herself some make - up and spends her whole morning putting  it on before the mirror.

Suddenly, she hears a commotion by the door and Finn's voice calling her.

"Rey, come on! Poe's back!" His voice is brimming with joy.

She quickly throws a shirt and sweatpants on her and rises up to meet him.  A little conflict within her arises; on one hand, she is eager to meet the man she had heard so much about.  On the other, she would love to stay in bed for some quiet time. 

Poe is a handsome, tan man with a charming smile; he embraces her as if they knew each other for centuries and she was just another long missed friend. 

 

“Oh, so you’re Rey! I hope Finn didn’t tire you to death!” Poe laughs, briefly dodging a flying shoe thrown by his roommate. “I hope you like elderberry jam because we are going to drown in the stuff” he laughs while getting bottles and jars out of his bag.    
  
“Your father’s?” Finn asks while uncorking one of the bottles and sniffing the contents, then he moves it close to Rey which also tries it.  The wine has a soft, flowery scent.

 

“Yes. Man, I  _ hate  _ elderberry.  But dad told me it’s too early for plum or apple.  Good he had some strawberry marmalade back in his cellar. I swear, I’m going to kill anyone who would dare to eat it. You’re stuck with elderberry.”

 

“And how’s he going?”

 

“As usual. He keeps on bickering how i should switch jobs, unless I want to end like my mother. But he manages to keep the farm in order.  “

 

Rey hesitates to open one of hand-marked jars but after some encouragement from Poe’s side she starts eating spoonfuls of jam.  She doesn’t mention she had never eaten any elderberry in her whole life.   
  
“I regret I didn’t bring  a caramel moonshine with me” she starts,  mouth full of fruits “but I have never flown a plane before and I had been afraid that they’d frame me as a terrorist if they would have found something so strong in my luggage. But I may try to replicate it, if you think you’re headstrong enough”

 

“Oh, you can always arrange for someone to send it to you in your Christmas package” Poe jokes. 

“I think there’s no one left to send me a Christmas package” - Rey replies hesitantly. “I don’t have family left in Jakku. To be honest, I don’t really have any family I know about”.

Poe flusters, apologizing her for awkwardly bringing up the subject, but suddenly he does what seems to be best in this situation - hugs her, and soon Finn joins their group hug too. 

“Don’t worry. We’re going to bring you a Christmas package. And a birthday one”. They say assuringly.

“It better has something more in it than elderberry jam”

  
  


 A few bottles later they land on a sofa with Rey’s laptop. Finn and Poe decide to introduce her to fine and entertaining art of Facebook stalking and she is tipsy enough to enjoy it.

“Take it, I’m too drunk” she deposits the computer on Finn’s lap as he sits between her and Poe. They both drunkenly rest their head on his shoulders.  

 

“Rey, did you meet Phasma?” the man asks and when she shakes her head he replies “I hate her. Let’s go on her profile”.

“Who is she anyway?” Poe asks, drifting in and out of wine coma.

“My old teacher. She gave me hell on the previous course”.

 

Phasma’s profile doesn’t turn out anything interesting.  She is apparently fond of mountain climbing and she has a photo of rocks instead of her profile picture, so Rey cannot even remind herself if she had seen her or not.  The only thing they find are landscapes and memories from treks, often with vague commentary.   “She’s either boring or good at keeping secrets” Poe remarks. “Show me the ginger guy. The one we laughed at on Wexley’s birthday”.

 

This time Rey knows the man - she had noticed him striding through the halls before, always impeccably dressed and with a sight of mild displeasure on his face. His profile features extensive coverage of his latest shopping sprees and gallery visits. Photos of him holding a glass of wine and contemplating some work of modern art seem to be a fixture.

 

“Oh, he has a blog! Show me!” Rey points at the screen. “ I didn’t know about it “ Finn gets visibly excited as  he opens the blog which just  oozes pomposity. He clears his throat and starts reading, mimicking the writer’s voice. 

 

_ This new and exciting collection consists of gold-plated bomber jackets and shirts which mark a clever compromise between a tank top and a t-shirt. My attention stayed focused on an orange neoprene jacket with round edges, which I like partly out of my affinity for bold colors, and partly because of the cultural dictate.  It’s definitely a brand a seasoned citizen would feel comfortable in, both during and opera or in a squat. _ __   
__   
By the end of the paragraph Poe laughs frantically and so does Rey. “Has he ever been in a squat?” she asks.

“Doubt so. Judging by this, I also highly doubt he has ever been to an opera”

“I’ve dated a guy who dated him…” Poe starts an anecdote.

“That one  whose sister you’ve hooked up with later?” Finn interrupts. 

“Yes, that boring asshole. His sister was awesome, though.  He told me that Hux doesn’t actually have all those designer clothes. He just cuts out the tags and hopes for the best”.

 

Rey looks back at the Facebook profile and suddenly one of the photos catches her eye. It was taken in some gallery, and the dark - haired man from the campus is on it. He stands besides Hux, his face bearing the odd look of displeasure  - it’s evident both men don’t really like each other. She quickly pulls her computer from Finn’s lap and investigates further.

 

“So that’s his name!” She exclaims loudly as she opens a new tab in the browser “Kylo Ren. Odd.” He has quite a few pictures, mostly tasteful black and white portraits. His wall seems to be meticulously curated, with nothing out of place. He seems to share a lot of art, Bacon and Schwarzkogler among them, and the third artist Rey had never seen before. Disturbing and dark pieces, but with a surprising undertone of harmony.  She reminds herself to write the name down, but the wine has an effect on her and soon she stumbles to her bed.  As she closes her eyes two words ring in her head like sonorous bells. 

  



	4. The muses are ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Rey discovers the nature of Kylo's art.
> 
> Warning: there is a description of self-harm in this chapter, in the part about Kylo's performance, so if it's not your cup of tea you can skip it. 
> 
> Also, I made[a playlist](http://8tracks.com/necronauta666/a-blessed-unrest)\- this is the music I listen to while writing this :) If you have any ideas for any matching songs, I would love to hear about it! <3

  
  
  


_“In art as in love, instinct is enough. ”_

  


The cemetery is cool and silent under the coat of dry leaves. Rey feels lucky she has found a place like that. Unused to constant mingling with people, she welcomes the shade and reverie with relief.  Sketchbook in one hand, a bag on her arm, she breathes petrichor and fresh pine needles. The necropolis is overgrown with cypress trees - the symbols for mourning, and crawling ivy.  
  
She was sometimes going to cemetery back in Jakku.  It was a swampy field littered with broken headstones and sickly birches. Old candles and rusty wreaths tumbled on the ground. It had just one interesting part - children’s quarters. Rey often strided between them, watching old toys abandoned on the gravesides like offerings.* Bears, dolls and small cars, often older than she were, sat untouched on cold slabs, bleeding the colour into the ground.  Children’s graves were often initially loved and then abandoned, with saccharine white crosses and small angel figurines turning to dust. The buried were quickly replaced and forgotten. As if the very erasure of their existence helped the living cope.

Rey always feels at home among them, abandoned and discarded as they are - a dead child among the living. Today she also sets for the smallest crosses, but finds a different place instead.

 

Shiny black marble effigy stands on the hill, surrounded by the boughs of cypress. An angel is carved in stone, spreading black wings over two crosses - one on the left and one on the right. Rey feels strangely drawn to the place,  and when she comes closer to the stone and puts her hand on the surface  it seems warm to the touch.

“For where your treasure is”  sign on the first cross reads. She turns to the other one to find only the inscription “ there your heart will be also” .  She needs a while to find the plaque at the death angel’s feet that bears the names “Anakin Skywalker” and “Padme Amidala Skywalker”. She knows she heard one of them  before, just couldn’t remind herself where. The place seems good enough to linger and she sits on the grass, beginning to sketch the angel. Soon, halfway into her drawing,  she realizes she knows the man buried here.

 

Anakin Skywalker was the mysterious artist mentioned by Kylo Ren.

 

She rises on her feet almost immediately, as if guided by invisible force. Quickly, she hides the sketchbook and almost runs home.  She needs to check it as soon as possible, surprised at how all the events are tied.   
  
He loves and admires the artist by the name of Anakin Skywalker.  And Luke Skywalker is the mysterious teacher everybody mentions here with both fear and veneration. Rey isn’t even sure why is she fascinated with the raven-haired man, but boy, she needs to know more.     
  
When she reaches flat she sneaks to her room. It’s past noon, but Finn and Poe are still lying in bed, recovering from their little party. Only BB-8 greets Rey at the door, and it is obvious she would be her little witness.   
  
“This stays between us two, ok sweetie?” Rey whispers at the cat and sneaks her a treat, as her computer is starting and BB-8 curls on her lap.     
  
She opens the browser, types his name - her playlist jumps at “Master Hunter” by Laura Marling and she feels like it, reveling in the fact that she’s watching him when he cannot see her.  She immediately locates his webpage and goes through it with the speed of light.

 

 _Kylo Ren is a conceptual artist, the grandson of late and revered Anakin Skywalker._   
  
Oh, so that’s the connection! Rey feels more and more immersed and scared simultaneously _._   
  
_Ren’s journey is the one of exploring the dark side in his performances, inspired by Rudolf Schwarzkogler and Günter Brus. He shies not from sacrificing his own body, practicing self-harm and destruction. He quotes Viennese Actionism* and the art of his grandfather as his biggest influences and aims to carry his legacy in his work. Ren shuns the traditional idea of beauty, placing the merit of art in transgression and ability to shock, move and touch the forbidden. Currently he holds a place as an assistant to professor Snoke at Vis Academy of Arts._   
  
Rey is not sure if she wants to see it, but looking through the photos from his exhibition she finds the set which surely would haunt her dreams.     
  
He sits on the floor, his hands outstretched. The blood pours out of his hands, cut in intricate patterns. It seems unreal, like on horror movies.  Strands of black hair hide Kylo’s face, but Rey can catch a glimpse of his wild eyes, glowing with both pain and ecstasy, and she can swear he is grinning. There is a burning pile of paper before him.   
  
The second one shows him scattering the ashes over the cuts. Ren becomes just a silhouette on a white background.   On the third photo he is shown bandaging his arms, bloody roses blooming on his arms on the white. His face now serene and tired.   
  
The description reads: “The ties that bind - the artist burns his grandfather’s sketches and scatters the ash in his cuts. By this act he acknowledges the legacy that is bestowed upon him”.   
  
Rey browses through rest of the page, and finally she decides to save the photos. There is too much haunting, ghastly beauty in them.  She is disturbed, to say the least, but also immensely intrigued. Someone dedicated enough to hurt himself for his own art, and that display of pain is simultaneously obscene and honest. She looks at BB-8, scaring her from her lap as she rises up and loudly sighs.   
  
“I need a drink. Or a walk. Or both”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * In Eastern Europe people often leave toys on children's graves. I haven't heard if it is a custom or superstition, but a lot of cemeteries I have visited had toys on the graves.  
> *Viennese Actionism was an art movement in the 60's which was focused on subversion, transgression and violence. Kylo's performance is pretty tame in comparison to original actions done by Hermann Nitsch, Gunter Brus or Rudolf Schwarzkogler. If you're feeling brave you can read about them  
> [Here](http://www.ubu.com/film/vienna_actionists.html)


	5. The daughter of freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite short but beware - next parts get increasingly longer. Also Han and Chewie make their first appearance. :)

__  
  
“What was any art but a mold to imprison for a moment the shining elusive element which is life itself- life hurrying past us and running away, to strong to stop, too sweet to lose.” 

  
  


“Do you know any place I can buy an used scooter?” Rey asks Poe as they get ready for the day.  She brews the coffee as Poe dresses up hastily, with Finn still being blissfully asleep. She finally saved up enough money, in addition to the amount she got from selling her old one in Jakku - cheap thing cased in plastic which she found discarded among old car shells and fixed herself. She grows weary from carrying on the supplies and walking everywhere, to used to having a mean of transportation, even if small.   
“Han’s garage is your best bet. He keeps a yard with used vehicles and you can reason with him” Poe replies, mismatching his shoes on the first try.  Rey can count how many times he wasn’t late for work on her fingers and tried waking him up earlier but he had always resisted. He bolts through the door too fast to get the details out of him.

 

So Rey strides to the place she found on the map, not sure if she got it right. The garage looks untidy, but not seedy. Old, beaten Ford Falcon convertible stands before the small building, along with other vehicles in various states of disrepair. Two men look into the bellows under it’s open hood - one a big, burly biker with enormous beard hiding kind-looking face. The second man is slender, and despite his age and silver hair his eyes are still radiant and clever.

 

“Hello?” Rey asks and the older man almost bangs his head on the hood. 

“Damn, girl, you’ve taken me by surprise” he grins, looking at her. His friend folds his tattooed hands on his chest; she can notice the word “Loyalty” inked on his elbow. Despite his frightful appearance, the man is smiling. “What do you need, little thing?” he asks with a deep, horn-like voice.   
“I want to buy a scooter” she utters, quite intimidated. “I was told you have quite a selection”   
“Show her what we’ve got, Chewie”    
The biker summons her with a gesture and she follows him behind the garage.   
  
A few abandoned scooters stand there; sadly, every one of them seems to cost more than her budget. She watches them sadly and tests some of them, thinking she would have to wait until next month to buy anything. Discouraged, she suddenly spots an abandoned Vespa standing sadly in the corner. It’s red paint is peeling, but Rey feels strangely drawn to it, her scavenger sense tingling.   
“Is this one for sale?” She asks Chewie, but it is the second man who answers her.   
“It’s broken. We’ve tried everything and it doesn’t start. The starter, pistons, everything seems to be in shape but the damn thing still refuses to work. Might as well sell it for scraps”

“Can I have a look?” Rey asks, her intuition whispering her a possible solution.   
Both men look at each other in disbelief.    
“Sure” Chewie shrugs. “Han, do you think we still have the keys?”   
Rey examines the engine as Han disappears in the darkness of the garage. She searches for a small vent, the one who should be there; and luckily it was.  She takes out a matchbox out of her pocket, picks up one match and after breaking the head off, she props up the vent cover.  Han throws her the keys and Rey expertly catches them, as if they had located her by themselves.   
  
After the first turn, Vespa coughs. At the second, the engine starts working, unsteady and howling. But it works.    
  
“Holy smoke, are you a magician?” Han exclaims loudly. His friend shakes his head, as he lights a cigarette.    
“I’m an artist, actually” Rey responds. “But I have lived in a place those skills were essential. My old scooter was broken like that and someone threw it away. The vent locked itself and wasn’t letting enough air to the engine so I propped it up permanently.”   
“An artist, you say? “ Han watches her, his eyes suddenly bright with an idea. “Do you know your way around an airbrush, little one?”   
“I’ve tried my hand on it. I guess I could handle it” she responds warily.   
“So, here’s the deal. I sell the scooter for half of the price. In return, you can do some airbrushing on bikes and cars.  If you prove yourself, we can talk about you having a job”    
Rey can’t believe her own luck. Not only the scooter is hers for an unbelievably little money, she also has a chance for a job.   
“Agreed. I’m Rey” She extends her hand and introduces herself to both men.   
“I’m Han Solo, and this is my partner, Chewie. Welcome to our crew, Rey” 

  
Rey agrees on the working hours with the duo and finishes the transaction. She rides out on her own scooter through the gates. It needs some maintenance, for sure, but she beams with pride as she flies through the streets of Coruscant with her head hazardously bare, stopping only before her flat on D’Qar Street.  She calls Finn on his phone, urging him to come down and go to the campus with her.     
  
As soon as he gets out of the building he is marveled by the sight of her on the red, vintage scooter.   
“Vespa? How did you get it? It’s beautiful! You look as if you rode straight out of my grandmother’s teenage photos!”    
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you” The girl smiles. “Come on, we’ll be late to class”   
“You are impossible, you know?” Finn laughs sitting behind her and taking a hold of her waist as Rey kickstarts the engine and they ride on.   
  



	6. Lying for lying's sake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I'm introducing Jessika, because I honestly think Rey needs a girl pal and someone who is fangirling over her romance : 3

  
  
  


_ “To create, and to confront, one has to be an outcast.”  _

 

“What am I exactly doing with my life?” Jessika scoffs at the laptop screen, as they sit in a warmth of cafeteria. Rey takes a sip of her coffee and looks at her sympathetically. She and the raven-haired, low key goth girl started spending more and more time together over their common ambitions.  Rey doesn’t feel so alone with her, and they both breathe free around each other, leaving the air of false pretense to the other students.   
“I should study to get to Skywalker’s class. Like, study hard. What am I doing? Obsessing over fictional characters, of course.”    
“At least they are fictional. It’s easier.” Rey sighs.  She sees him from the window. Despite heavy rain and wind he smokes a cigarette, covering his face with a collar. His black coat waves and twists in the gust of wind but he alone seems unmoved, a dark figure in the eye of the storm. 

“Do you have an eye on someone?” Jessika Pava bows across the table to check who her friend is watching so intently. Her lips form a small “o” as she notices Ren’s figure in the rain.   
“Him?” the girl whispers excitedly. “Bazine would kill you if she knew! Oh my god”   
Rey flusters, surprised that her friend read her thoughts so easily. Is it too obvious?   
“Who’s Bazine?” she blurts out.   
“The model, the one with the big eyebrows” Pava hisses.  “She is hell-bent on bedding him.  I’ve heard her saying out loud that she wants to drink wine out of his bellybutton when Ren was passing us on the hallway. He must have heard this!”*

Rey almost chokes on her coffee in response and Jessika giggles.   
“You don’t say?” She suddenly feels heavy, very heavy. Bazine looks like she came straight out of fashion photoshoot. It’s obvious she and Ren would make a presentable couple, and the model has boldness Rey is obviously lacking. She isn’t sure what to think about this.

“Like, totally!” They huddle closer, looking around to check if no one is eavesdropping on them. “Is this serious? Did you two talk?”    
“It’s not what you think” Rey hesitates. “I’m just… watching him. Too intently I guess. Nothing more. But I have this strange feeling he’s watching me too.”    
“Don’t let Bazine know about anything. She will bully you, for sure.” Rey can see Jessika is visibly excited. “You know what? Girls night out. I get the wine, you get the chocolate.” Rey nods her head in approval. “My place. You’ll get to know the boys too”   
  
They both rise from their place and gather their things, leaving the cafeteria. Ceramics class with Dasha Promenti is starting soon, and the girls talk of innocent subjects like preparing the clay and the new glazes ordered for their workshop. As they walk through the doorway, Kylo Ren passes them by like a violent storm cloud. He’s so close Rey can actually smell his clove cigarettes and a part of his large, black scarf touches her cheek. To her surprise, the man looks at her from behind his clouded glasses, leans towards her and half whispers:   
“Hello, Rey.” His voice is husky and deep.   
She is half petrified, covering the place his scarf brushed her face with her hand and Jessika’s mouth falls open. She is the one who acts quicker and pushes Rey ahead, into the emptying corridor.    
“You told me you’re only watching him from afar” she says in low voice, turning around suspiciously.   
“I was. “ Rey’s voice trembles. “I made some mistake, or I was right… He is actually watching me” Jessika examines her friend’s horrified face and mutters, sensing some secret behind her fear: 

“We need to talk tonight and you’re telling me everything you have found out about”

 

They enter the workshop in full conspiracy and exchange secretive stares throughout the rest of the evening. Rey can only think of one thing - are the scars existing under black sleeves of his shirt. When she was a teenager she had heard one of her classmates whispering to another one in the bathroom that adding  an ash to a wound makes a scar permanent.  * She doesn’t know if it’s a superstition or a fact but is entirely sure his scars run deeper than his arms and he doesn’t need any ashes to make them stay forever.

  
  


Rey is still visibly shaken when they leave the campus. They stop by the supermarket and get the biggest, cheapest bottle of wine they can find and a huge box of chocolate ice cream. Joined by conspiracy, their friendship is sealed. As they get home both engage in small talk - with Jessica being visibly smitten by Finn,only to be excused by Rey almost pulling her to her room. They lock the door and blast the music loud enough to drown out the voices.   
  
“I think I like this guy” Jessika smiles, sitting on the floor and pulling the cat-eared hood of her sweatshirt on her head.   
“We were to have girl’s night out, not have you hitting on Finn!” Rey scoffs at her. “Do you have a corkscrew?”   
“I thought you’ll have it”   
“Great. Now I have to unlock the door again and go find it. And avoid getting involved in watching them play Soul Calibur”   
“I can go!”   
“I know what you’re trying to do, Pava”   
“Right” Jessika rolls her eyes. “So give me the chisel. Any of them.” 

Rey hands her the tool. Her friend wipes the blade on her sweatshirt and uncorks the wine with a swift movement.  Rey is sure she is really experienced at opening the alcohol with unconventional tools. They pour the wine to mismatched mugs, light the candles and pass the ice cream box between each other. Jess takes a hold of the computer and plays “Somebody to love” by Jefferson Airplane. Rey unsuccessfully tries to toss a pillow at her.   
  
“So, are you telling me or do you need to get more drunk?” She grins at her from behind her hood, her pale, smiling face shining like the moon. Rey sighs.   
“You’re making more that it really is out of this. Have you seen his art?”    
“It’s really dark. Like, i’m into goth stuff, but this guy takes it to a new level” Jess nods. “I’ve heard he does weird things during his classes, and makes other people do weird things  too. For example he wants you to bring the object you love the most, and then destroy it on camera. Burn plushies, rip childhood pictures.”   
“I have a suspicion he is really like that. Like, I feel the scars run deeper. And my intuition has never betrayed me”    
“How could he know your name?”

“I feel he’s watching me. Teasing me. But I do not know what for.”   
They both take a long sip and pour more wine to their cups.   
“We shouldn’t approach this sober” Pava speaks to herself and takes a long sip straight out of the bottle, too.   
“He’s fascinated by the artist. His grandfather. His name was Anakin Skywalker…”

“THAT Skywalker?”

“I’m wondering about it , too”.   
Jess puts a laptop to her knees and starts typing.   
“He’s watching you, so we can start watching him in return. A-na -kin… Oh, I ‘ve got him.”   
  
She reverses the screen to show Rey a black and white photo of a young, fair-haired man. He has a cocky, charming smile and bright eyes.   
  
“At least we know after whom Ren’s got the looks” - Rey admits. “He’s buried at the cemetery with his wife. I’ve found their double grave.”     
“In 1966 Anakin Skywalker caused a fire in his studio when he attempted burning his own works. This resulted in death of his wife, Padme, and his permanent disfigurement which barred him from painting ever since. In 1986 he committed suicide, after seemingly reconciling with his family. He was survived by his children; Leia Organa, famous politician and philanthropist, and Luke Skywalker, renown sculptor and academic teacher” Jess pauses.

“So, he’s related to Master Skywalker. It’s his son or his nephew.” Rey muses for a while. “I think it’s the latter. Leia Organa could have married some Ren guy. Or  he had a child that wasn’t mentioned there.  It’s weird Ren didn’t change his name to Skywalker, if his grandfather inspires him so much. And he doesn’t work with his uncle”   
“I’ve heard that Master Skywalker had a lot of students some time ago. Then, a disagreement happened, but no one was able to tell me what it was, exactly. It’s like everybody had undertaken a vow of silence.” Says Jess, as Rey refills their mugs once again.    
“I think I would be able to ask around at work. Han seems to be that guy who knows everyone. “

They drink in silence for a while.

“He’s handsome, you know.”

“Yes, I do. But he is dangerous. He’s a teacher. A man with a dark heart. And mysterious family affairs. It should stop here. Watching is enough.”   
“Have you ever been in love, Rey?”   
“Not really” She answers after a moment of tense silence.”You don’t think about love when you’re striving for survival. I was dirt-poor in Jakku. No one fancied a girl wearing clothes from a dumpster and selling old paintings and broken porcelain for a living. Besides, there was nothing to love in this city. The people were empty shells, just like the wrecked cars they have left in the ditches. There were no men like Ren. He’s sinister but vivid, in a colour blood red. They were all grey”   
“Maybe blood red suits you” Jess smiles.    
“Don’t make more out of it than it really is” Rey repeats, unsure. “Bazine is going to get into his bed faster than you can say pentimento”*   
“Or he can see the fool she really is”   
They finish the wine, giggling and hugging and soon they climb into the bed together.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is actually a quote one of the girls said about the professor from my old uni. The guy was in his fifties and had a son older than me. I thought it would be funny here.  
> *This was an actual secret whispered to me by a girl in 6th grade - if you add sulfur or ash to the wound the scar would stay forever. She had claimed it was a way to make a permanent tattoo-like scar. Luckily I haven't tried it and cannot testify if it works, but adds an additional touch to Kylo's performance.  
> *Pentimento is a visible alteration in a painting.


	7. Run away without leaving home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Rey deals with the aftermath of a party, and also I couldn't resist the temptation of inserting some 80's Han Solo here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in the chapters - I had a very busy week and I need a moment to catch up with my writing (and sleep). :)

  
  
  
  
_If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing_ .”  
  
The morning is bleak and Jess has a hangover. She crawls out of the bed, hitting Rey accidentally and waking the girl up.  
“Please, please  say we aren’t going to the lecture” she moans.  
“ We’re not. “ Rey sits up and shivers, cold.  The autumn takes hold on  Coruscant with each day and despite blue sky the morning surprises them with its coldness. Boys left for their duties earlier and the flat is quiet. As Jessika blocks the bathroom, Rey turns her computer on to check exactly  which classes they would be skipping.  
  
As she checks her Facebook page something odd catches her eye.  
“Jess?” She exclaims surprised “Did you add Ren as a friend using my account?”  
“No!” She shouts from the bathroom over the shower sounds. “I didn’t do anything, I swear.”  
“So how come  we’re friends now? Oh God, this is so awkward.” Rey grumbles checking if she haven’t wrote anything to him. Luckily not, but she clearly sent the invite and he accepted it.  
“We were drunk out of our minds, could do this by accident”

“Or you’re lying”

“I swear I’m not!”

 

Rey sighs and now is painfully sure she’s being spied on. Whatever she does, whoever she dates, whichever photo she shows up on , he would for sure see it. Her existence slowly turns into a war theater. Rey just doesn’t know what for? She isn’t in love, it’s hard to be when you haven’t ever talked. She thinks to herself she wouldn’t recognize love even if it fell on her head like a heavy rain. But there is a certain fascination and Rey has to admit she is tangled up and intrigued by this secretive artist. She craves to know more.  The enigma hidden in his scars,  in his clove cigarette smoke and under his dark eyelashes is here, so easy to grasp and distant at the same time. She is sure her curiosity may be the death of her, but in a second she decides that the siren’s call is too tempting.  
  
“I’ve made a decision” She announces as Jess leaves the bathroom. Her friend cocks her head to the side and awaits response. “We’re going to find out what’s with him and the Skywalkers. And hopefully get to know why he’s so interested in me”  
“Ask Han about them. I’m going to get something out from Finn, hopefully he would tell me something he hides from you”  
“Why do you think he’s hiding something from me?” Rey becomes suspicious.

“Oh, silly. He wants to protect you”  
  
“You are earlier. Great, get to work. If you finish before 6 pm, we’re going for a trip. It’s a last call to ride with the roof down.” Han lifts himself from the pit, his face and hands stained with grease.  
“It’s too cold already.” Chewie rises his head from over a toolbox.  He sends Rey a beaming smile as she draws the outline on a car door.

Someone requested a pin-up girl, with red hair and candy lips and Rey is pleasantly surprised by the choice of design. She airbrushed several cars in Jakku, mainly old Ladas.* The guys requested tigers, Playboy models or planets. One of them even asked Rey if she wanted to go out with him sometime and have fun in the only club in Niima. She declined, knowing some girls went to the disco with their soon to be “boyfriends” and never came back.  Nobody was waiting for Rey, and nobody cared, so she was a perfect target. *  
“Ugh. You’re cold?” Han scoffs at his friend. “Rey, have you seen the rest of the island?”

“No, I haven’t got a chance” She replies, turning away from the sketch. “To be fair, I have a feeling everybody in Coruscant knows each other very well and I am just an outsider.”  
“You’re not far from the truth” Han smiles wryly “Everybody knows each other here, and everybody has some secrets”.  
“Do you know, Luke Skywalker, maybe?” Rey asks, shouting over the hum of her airbrush.

“Yes, rather well. He was my friend when we were young. Why are you asking?” The man suddenly gets serious, despite trying to downplay it.

“I want to get to his class in January.”  
“Good luck, kid. After the incident he doesn’t really want to take new students. You need to be, like, really special.”

“What incident? My friend mentioned something to me, but she doesn’t know the details. No one wants to tell us”

“Finish doing the door and I’ll tell you during the trip.”  
  
So Rey comes back to work with new energy, lured closer by the possibly unfolding secret. The radio blasts Lynyrd Skynyrd, and she hums “Simple man” along with Chewie, who happens to have very pleasant, deep voice.  Han works in the pit, dismantling a car, and sometimes he freezes with his eyes locked far away, as if he got lost in some dream.

  
As she finishes painting Han throws her the keys to a closet, when he keeps the more expensive equipment. While she enters the small space and proceeds to hide the airbrush on one of the shelves she suddenly knocks something down. A picture frame falls and hits her head. As she rises to pick it up, she gazes at the photograph.  
  
She instantly recognizes Han, the same piercing eyes and wry smile. He’s much younger and wears a race car driver’s gear, helmet in one hand. His arm is around young woman’s shoulders. She has long, flowing hair and is clad in a white dress. In her arms is a little boy, maybe two years old, brown curls fall in his eyes as  he clutches a toy car.  
*   
It’s odd, Han never mentioned having a family. He almost lives in the garage along with Chewie. Rey rises her eyes to see more of the photos standing on the shelf. She puts this one back and takes a quick gaze at the others.  There is the one when Han stands before his Ford Falcon with a smiling blonde man, much younger than him. They are dressed in typical 80’s fashion - Han wears a denim vest over black t-shirt  and white high tops, and his friend dons a leather jacket and wayfarers.  Chewie sits in the car and she is surprised to see the large biker as a skinny, clean faced and  long-haired teenage boy in shorts.  
  
“Who keeps such precious memories in a place like that?”  
  
Rey hears Han calling her and leaves the closet quickly, promising herself to examine the photos later.  They await her in the Falcon, roof folded, Han behind the wheel. Chewie sits beside him blasting Led Zeppelin songs.  She takes her place on the backseat and puts her sunglasses on. The late evening sun tears through the clouds and shines straight in her eyes as they take off. They roll through the streets, quickly leaving Coruscant and delving into still green hills. The wind gets into Rey’s hair, and her messy bun quickly comes undone.  The sky shines in all the shades of purple and orange,  and although it’s chilly, the sight is absolutely beautiful . They take sharp turns through the hillside, and Rey can promise she sees the shoreline. Birds cut the air as if they are accompanying them. She is stricken with all the beauty like a child who sees something for the first time - and in some way she is a child, a starstruck child that with sheer luck and willpower got out of the dark woods for the first time.  
“Han?” Rey asks, suddenly.  
“Yes, little one?”

“You owe me a story” She reminds him. Han sighs deeply and speaks, holding his steering wheel with one hand.  
“I’ve met Luke Skywalker when I was resting on the countryside after the racing season. The guy lived in this shithole, spending his time as a farmhand for his uncle. He used to be into off road racing, and was very good at it. Right Chewie?” He pauses and his friend nods calmly. “ The kid was so enthusiastic, so full of life. He told us he was drawing and wanted to go to London, apply to an art school but his uncle barred him from doing so. He needed him to plow a potato field or something equally ridiculous. So, we helped him escape.  He found his father’s old friend, the Kenobi guy, and he had his hand in launching Luke’s career. We’ve met from time to time then, as he got the job in Vis.”

“And why he takes no one to his class?” Rey asks.  
“They’ve made a man called Snoke a head of the modern department. The guy was a marchand, very clever and sneaky one. He convinced one of his students that he would better off in his studio.  He not only left - his most promising pupil - but also took others with him. Then he publicly smashed everything he had done under Luke’s guidance. That broke his heart. “  
“Do you still talk to him?”

“Not really. He’s got really weird after that. Doesn’t answer the phone calls, doesn’t meet with old friends. He does some odd research to keep the university from firing him, but apart from that he’s really secretive.”  
“He must have had high hopes in that student” Rey remarked.

“He had” Han replied. “A lot of people had. But he was too difficult to handle and probably still is.”

They get quiet for a while. The nightfall is closer and Han turns in one of the scenic villages, with the roof still folded despite cold, and goes  back to the city. The lights glimmer on the horizon.  
“It’s getting late” Rey remarks.

“Your boyfrientd doesn’t have to worry, we will give you a lift home. ” Han jokes.

“I don’t have any” Rey giggles.  “Except my almost secret admirer”  
“Oh, so you have an admirer” Han rises his eyebrows. “Is this any heartbroken student?  Or a pining artist?”

“An asssistant. His name’s Kylo” she says. The driver suddenly falls silent.

“Keep away from him, girl. “ he speaks finally, his voice suddenly serious. “This man is nothing but trouble.”

“Why is it so?”

“Skywalker's blood.’

They quickly, awkwardly switch the topic, as Rey hides her disappointment and unsettlement. The night spreads over them like a blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lada or Łada is a type of car popular in former Soviet Republics. It is discontinued now and often sold very cheap as a second-hand car.  
> *A lot of girls from Eastern European countries become victims of human trafficking. Men often lure them at a false pretense of being their boyfriend or getting them a job in western countries.  
> * I have estimated that Kylo was born around 1986, which makes him 29 in 2015. So the photo comes from 1988-1989.


	8. The Corridor of Your Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! Life is a crazy ride lately, but I haven't forgotten about you :)
> 
> This chapter is slightly, really slightly NSFW : >

  
  
  
  
“ _ Everyday i discover more and more beautiful things. It’s enough to drive one mad. I have such a desire to do everything, my head is bursting with it” _ __  
  
The cold november rain pours into Rey’s head and soul as she lies in her bed, feverish.  Balancing on a thin line of sleep and reality, her body is stiff and sore as she drifts in and out of her dream.    
  
She feels the weight of his body pressing her to the mattress as her face drowns in his black locks. The man smells of clove cigarettes and the sheer scent pushes Rey into vertigo. It’s dark and she cannot see his face, only feel his lips pressed to her neck, curving into a smile. The girl shudders, giving up under his hands. They are unrelenting, as he grabs her by the chin and kisses her hungrily, as if he was starved, and Rey can promise she feels the metallic taste of blood on her tongue.  She tries to lift her hands, to touch him, but he catches her wrists and pins them to the pillow. Surprisingly, this lack of control pleases her as the man slides his lips along her jawbone, then lower, to the collarbones, and further down her body.    
  
She had never felt like this before.   
  
Rey lifts her head and sees his eyes shining in the dusk - black like an animal, and wild. The man’s skin slides along hers as she writhes under him and feels the ornament of scars covering his arms and chest. His lips, his hands make her go into overdrive and Rey tries to speak his name but her voice gets strangled by her throat tightening.  He is the fire burning her skin with an alphabet made of runes both magic and secret.  She opens her mouth, incoherent voice escaping her lips…   
  
And then she wakes up. 

The rain still beats at the windowpanes angrily, and evening trees moan as if they knew what she was dreaming about.  Rey trembles in bed, her face red and eyes wide open. She have never had such a dream, not even thinking about any kind of attraction.  And now she dreams about him having her, of all people.  Embarrassment clutches at her stomach, as she envisions how she would have to face her friends tomorrow with a secret vision so sinful, she shouldn’t even be thinking about it. But somewhere, in the back of her head, a little voice asks:  _ Is something you experience in a dream similar to an experience in reality? Would he feel the same in the real world? Would his lips taste the same way? Is a kiss in a dream equal to a real kiss? Does your mind perceive it the same? _ __  
__  
As she falls back to sleep , something dormant in her body, something she hid behind closed doors, something that made her turn the key twice in it’s lock in fear before she went to bed, awakens. 

 

She thinks she could forget, but she cannot. The awkwardness of it all reminds her of itself as she meets Finn in the kitchen and joins him with her breakfast.   She tries to hide her face behind a cereal bowl, not sure if she is actually blushing or just her cheeks burn at the mere thought of him.

 

“Rey, have you ever been to Paris?” Finn asks suddenly.

“No, never” she replies. “You know I have never travelled anywhere interesting”   
“Poe does an air show near Paris. In July. I thought we can go with him. You know, see Louvre and D’Orsay. Would you like that?”

“Oh yes!” Rey’s heart skips a beat.  Louvre. Canova’s sculptures. Impressionists in D’Orsay. Notre Dame. The world she had never even dreamt about. “There will be a time to save some money for the trip, for sure”

“Yes, Poe can help us with an accommodation, but we need to buy airline tickets and food by ourselves. I would search for some cheap flights today”   
“You know what? I can make a sculpture and sell it.  Maybe someone would buy it, and Mrs. Promenti may let me use the workshop after the working hours.”

“It’s a wonderful idea!”  Finn is incredibly excited, his smile shining bright in the dusk of the kitchen. “Oh my God, Rey, we will go to Paris! And drink wine by the Seine! And see Mona Lisa!”

 

  Finn gives her a fair share of his infectious  energy, much needed after the sleepless night and cold wind hitting her body as she drives her scooter cools her down.  They are attending art history lecture and Rey is actually looking forward to sitting at the end of this warm room, between Jess and Finn and trying to clear the indecent pictures from her head.    
  
They see Jess waving at them, standing before the building and follow her into the hall. Rey realizes quickly she is looking for someone in the crowd - her eyes seek his black coat and hawk-like eyes.  She yearns to see him, just a glimpse of him in the vaulted hallway and the pictures from the night before are rushing straight to her head again.    
  
She wonders if in reality he would kiss like that too, and if his hands would pin her wrists to the bed.   
  
“Rey, why is your face so red?” Finn remarks, concerned.    
“It’s nothing, just the wind” She  brushes it off, her gut wrenching as she once again has to lie to her closest friend. It doesn’t help.

 

They sit in a far corner of the lecture room, huddled together.  Jess takes place between Rey and Finn. As Rey takes out her sketchbook, she notices a blonde girl dressed in sleek, designer black, watching her carefully with a burning scorn in her eyes.   
  
“Is this Bazine?” Rey whispers to Jess, sensing the danger.   
“Yes… How she looks at you. She must have seen you two, then. Or someone told her”

Rey purses her lips and holds her finger near them, then she moves a pen and paper towards her friend. Pava thinks for a while, holding a pen in her mouth, then scribbles her a message.

 

“Did he write anything to you?” Or commented on something?”   
“No. I think we are coming too far. This needs to stop.”

“Why? You deserve to actually date somebody. What harm can be done?”

“PAVA, HE IS A TEACHER”   
“But not yours! Put some song on your wall. Bait him. Something he likes, you surely know what kind of music he listens to already.”

 

Rey is startled by the fact that she indeed knows his musical taste very well. She takes a quick look at Finn, who is fast asleep with his head on the desk,smiling blissfully, and whispers. 

“New Order?  _ In a lonely place? _ He likes this band and it’s not too obvious”

  
“I have no idea about this.  Just do it.”

 

So Rey does as Jessika says - she posts the song on her wall, then puts  away the phone and tries to focus on doing notes, while Pava pokes Finn to check how hard is he sleeping. He snores a little.   
Suddenly the phone buzzes and it’s sound startles Rey so much she drops the pen. Forgetting about it she grabs the phone and unlocks the screen. 

 

“Kylo Ren sent you a message” a notification reads.

 

Jess and Rey look at each other in utter disbelief, as none of them have predicted that sort of outcome. Rey reads the message, her hands shaking as she holds the phone.

 

“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”

She hands the phone to Jess and starts whispering excitedly.

 

“What does it mean?”

“Oh my God, he’s hitting on you!” Jess hisses and tries to send him a reply, defending herself from Rey pulling the phone from her grasp.    
“No, stop!” 

 

An annoyed grunt stops their scuffle and suddenly Rey and Jess feel the eyes of whole auditory on themselves. Professor San Tekka gazes at them with visible displeasure and repeats.

 

“Girls, I was saying that if you are not interested in traditional Greek pottery you can always visit the cafeteria. Your behaviour would be more appropriate there.”

Rey turns red as someone in the quiet room giggles, and Jess tries to hide behind the desk.   
“We’re sorry” the girls mutter, and sit down in an uncomfortable silence. Rey shoves her phone deep into her pocket without replying.  Her embarrassment levels are off the charts and she wants only to come back home and hide behind a blanket, and cure herself of both cold and the awkwardness. She sits stiff, afraid of even moving until the end of the lecture, with her phone weighing on like a stone in her hoodie’s pocket.  Finn wakes up by the end of it, and now watches them with a look of surprise, not knowing the reason for it.   
  
“I think I’m going to skip rest of the classes” says Rey while walking through the corridor. “I don’t feel like it today”    
“Come on, you wanted to talk with Mrs. Promenti about the sculpture” Finn reminds her.    
“Oh, well. It seems I have to crawl through this day” Rey sighs and pulls the hood of her olive sweatshirt on her head. With one of her thick, flowery scarves, it seems her face is covered entirely.  They enter the huge gothic  hall, now grey and dull, deprived of sunlight by the rainy weather, and settle for a coffee on a bench by one of the pillars.   
“Are you ill, honey? Maybe you should see a doctor?” Finn asks caringly and pushes a chocolate bar into Rey’s hands.  She had always melted under the kindness of her friend, but now this ball of guilt swells up her throat. 

“It’s nothing. Just a little cold. Maybe I’m overworked”. She stops mid sentence, as a young, dark haired man storms through the hall in fear.  He’s visibly agitated, trembling, with cheeks flushed red, and he trips over people as he stumbles through the corridors and outside.

“Who’s that?” Jess asks. “What scared him so much?”   
“It’s Mitaka” Says Finn quickly. “He’s taking modern sculpture and was in my class. I wonder why he’s so upset”

“Top spy Jess Pava will surely find out” Rey laughs as they stride through the corridor , Finn walking the girls to the class.

 

Rey quickly comes to agreement with Dasha Promenti - her personal project will be counted as a part of her class assignment.  She sits in the corner, sketching and planning, as Jess parts her with a wink and mingles with other girls in the class.  Reworking “Psyche awakened by the kiss of love” seems like a tedious task, but she’s up to it, sensing challenge and a chance to fulfill her dream.  The rhythm of work brings her balance and for a moment she forgets about Kylo, Bazine, their secret messages and quests.  The world around her blurs and fades away, as she drifts into the world of subtle curves and delicate light.

 

“I have news” Jess awakens Rey from her daydream, hissing at her ear. “It was Ren who made Mitaka so upset”

“How?” The fragile balance is over and Rey is almost furious at Jess for spoiling it.

“He humiliated him in front of the whole class. Reduced him to tears. Something about his family” Jess whispers, each word a stone hanging on Rey’s heart.

  
She have almost forgotten  how much darkness lurks within him.


	9. The Drunkenness of the mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ren fucks everything up and Rey discovers the joy of looking flawless.
> 
> Sorry for a long break, but it had helped me to take a fresh approach at the story :)

_ _

 

_  
“ _ _ Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark. _

 

She’s probably the only person in the whole building by now.  

 

That’s how Rey likes to work - after hours, with music quietly playing from her phone, when she’s alone.  Her hands form the clay with calm, relaxed precision and nothing breaks her comfortable trance. She’s humming along with the music filling the room, free from being confined by her ever- tangling earphones.  Her work takes shape - the hands, the wings, delicate curves in the formless slab of gray clay. 

 

In times like these she knows what and why she’s doing this - a familiar sense of elation overtakes her, and she doesn’t even notice when she starts to sing with all her heart.

 

_ And I feel the light for the very first time _

_ Not anybody knows that I am lucky to be alive _

Suddenly, she senses someone’s presence in the empty workshop.  The gaze is almost like fire burning the back of her neck. She falls silent, and, as if not wanting to scare the vigilant watcher, she turns carefully her head around.

 

He stands by the door, on the other side of the workshop, supporting himself nonchalantly over the doorway. He has his black hood on, so Rey can only see his lips curved in a crooked smile, and wet hair ends.  Rainwater drips from his black coat and pools on the floor.  As she says nothing, stunned, the man makes a few steps towards her and now she can see a gleam of his thick-rimmed glasses from under the hood. 

 

“Amor and Psyche? I’ve expected more from the girl I’ve heard so much about.”

Her face burns. How much does he know about her? How did he discover she was digging in the trash cans? But she quickly relapses and regains her cool.

“More? So you suggest I should try Bernini next time?” 

Kylo Ren scowls at her. In one swift movement he’s at her side, right behind her. He takes down his hood and Rey has to keep herself from gasping out loud. He wouldn’t fit between the images of greek gods and baroque saints, for sure, but his features, that lately haunt her sinful dreams so often, have some undeniable allure.

“Wrong answer.”  His low half-whisper makes a goose bumps on the nape of her neck.  “Those trite old things. Unimaginative. Boring. Why are you wasting your precious talent for this? For repeating mistakes of the old ones?”

“ I don’t regard it as a repetition. “ Rey upholds his gaze, struggling to contain both stifling fear of this man towering over her and undeniable attraction, making her blood howl in her veins. “ Rather a quest for beauty, if anything”.

“Beauty!” he frowns at her. “Beauty is an outdated concept, my girl”. Another step, another twirl of the dark coat. Rey’s cheeks burn. “ Art had exhausted everything it could say about beauty. Transgression, that’s the only goal it has now. The only thing that makes sense” 

 

His hand comes dangerously close to her sculpture and for a while she gasps for air, thinking he’s going to tip her artwork to the floor. He smiles at her audible gasp, as if she had proven some point.

 

“You see? You’re bound to a  pointless concept. The act of breaking your precious creation would be more meaningful than any work you have put in it.”

“Don’t even dare” Rey hisses, picking up one of her sculpting tools and rising from her place. What is he doing? What’s the purpose?  Kylo strides at her and pulls the tool out of her hand, laughing. When he touches her wrist she realises the want to pull him closer and it is as sudden as inexplicable.

“Join my class, Rey. I see infinite potential in you.  None of those new students could match your skills and your bright mind”    
“So you can humiliate me, like you did with Mitaka? Does this turn you on?” The girl responds with wry smile.

“Don’t even compare yourself to Mitaka. He would never achieve an inch of your sheer willpower. He’s worthless, pathetic.”   
“I may not know much, but I know one thing” Rey spits, rage exploding in her heart “I would never adhere to the teachings of someone, who deems other people pathetic. I was pathetic to others too.” She rises up. “So consider your offer denied. And leave me be.”    
And in this moment she sees fury running through Kylo’s face, unmistakable and barely restrained.   
“You’ll see one day, little girl - you will come running  back to me and I will be the one to guide you. Sorry you have to learn this the hard way.”

And he leaves, throwing the tool in the corner.  Rey’s mindset is broken and she sees no point in going on tonight.  “Emergency meeting. Let’s meet at D’Qar” she texts Jess just before leaving.    
  
Rey spends the evening drinking wine and ranting along with Pava about  _ that asshole,  _ with her friend doing her nails to cheer her up. She finally admits to herself that this was not what she had expected.  In her mind, she had pictured an invitation for an art show,  a drink, not a mere offer to join his class.

 

“I was such a fool” Rey says, watching Jess painting her toenails. Her friend never failed to cheer her up and thanks to her Rey discovered that she always reveled in such an activities.

She faintly remembers girls in Jakku laughing at her, their eyelashes painted so thick their mascara lumped on them, and lips slathered with shimmering lipglosses. Now she doesn’t even feel angry at them. “It was obvious he would rather date someone like Bazine, maybe he is sleeping with her even now, with her fake tits and nails.”

“You said he touched you” Pava remarks, sticking out a tip of her tongue and finishing the pattern on Rey’s nails.  “Now, hand” Jess commands as Rey presents her fingers to her. “Or maybe he is just an awkward asshole who couldn’t express himself right”.   
“I don’t think touching plays any role here.” Rey is adamant on keeping her cool. “But maybe I have been too harsh. I mean, I don’t like how he acted with Mitaka, but I told him off before he even explained himself.”

“See, maybe you two should talk? Like, tomorrow? Catch him between the lessons or something” Jess says as if everything was so easy. Rey looks at herself in the mirror. She is lean and wiry, with baby hair still sticking out of her bun, the only hairstyle she felt competent enough to do by herself. There is so much lacking, she thinks looking at her freckled cheeks and graceless figure. She drowns in large hoodies and baggy jeans. There’s nothing interesting in her, how should she delude herself like that?   
“But I’m telling you, he has no interest in me besides work. I’m too ugly.”   
“You’re not! You’re so pretty he should be grateful you even look at his direction. I mean, with his ears...”

“ Jess, I have a chain lube under my nails. Last week I had burnt a hole in my sweater with engine cleaner.”

“So I’m going to dress you up for tomorrow and you should talk to him. There’s nothing wrong in girls asking men out, Rey.” Pava giggles, and Rey swears she would claw her friend’s eyes out if only her nails were dry. 

“I’m not going to ask him out!”   
“There is an exhibition in two weeks. Maybe you should ask him to go with you, tell him you want to have a chat about art with him?” 

“Yeah, he would surely want to talk about that.” Rey sighs. Her heart and head are a mess lately, and she doesn’t know what to make out of it, apparently.  When normal people were experiencing crushes she was fighting for her life.  And now, everyone seems to exactly know what to do with clueless Rey in the middle of it all. She’s on the verge of letting go, resigning herself on perpetual state of lovelessness, but it is all so enticing, calling her with song so subtle, it’s almost unheard.   
“I will try” she tells Pava, cursing herself silently for her faltering resistance.

Pava dresses Rey up expertly in the morning, braiding her hair in a crown and choosing her a grey, lace dress they have found in a thrift store some time ago.  She pairs it up with brown cardigan and Rey didn’t even knew her array of clothes, haphazardly thrown together could produce such a result. 

“You look good. Elegant, but not over the top” Jess chatters approvingly while applying the make up. “You should go out like that more often. It suits you.”

“You know I do not know how to do it by myself.”

“Rey, you’re 19, for Heaven’s sake! You can make a sculpture of a human, drawing your eyeliner even is nothing in comparison.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about it...” 

“Than I will teach you.” Jess responds.

Rey sees in the mirror nor herself, but another girl, radiant and wide eyed, who looks at Rey.  She keeps looking at her all the way to the campus, from car mirrors and windowpanes. And then, entering the wide corridor of the main hall, Rey notices that the other people look at her too. As she earns a few of approving stares from both men and women she begins to feel powerful. As she runs her fingers through the fabric of the dress, she feels like everything is on it’s place, clean cut and brand new.    
  
Maybe she really should start to dress this way.   
  
She splits from Jessika and heads for the workshop, intent on checking if the sculpture hasn’t dried up through the night.  She hopes, no, knows Ren would be surprised as he sees her.  And maybe he would look at her with those dark eyes like at no other. Oh, the possibility is so thrilling.    
  
Rey retrieves the key from the janitor and opens the workshop. A cloud of damp air, smelling of clay and minerals, hits her.  She sees her own stuff, untouched from the night before, and steps into the room. But suddenly, the keys fall from her hand and hit the floor with a loud jangle. She tries to contain a sob, but to no avail.

  
Her sculpture is broken, scattered across the tiles.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Rey's experiences in this chapter is based on mine :)


	10. Anything you can get away with

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the "She punched me in the face. It was awesome" moment. Also, Finn is shy, Poe wants to be an art critic, and everybody loves him.

 

 

_ “Perhaps it's good for one to suffer. Can an artist do anything if he's happy? Would he ever want to do anything? What is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?” _

  
  
“Are you sure it was him?”  Finn growls,  holding Rey’s hand as she sobs in the pillow. “I’m going to kill this guy, I swear”. 

“I have no proof”  Rey utters, crying. Her hair, so intricately braided in the morning, is now but a mess and smeared make-up somehow makes her face seem even more red. “But the janitor said that no one took the keys after I left. He’s a professor. He could have his own.”  Rey’s heart seems tangled in a metal cord, which constricts with every word. Fool, she feels like a fool. “He did it because I refused him! He threatened to do it!” She shudders, her face wet with tears.  She doesn’t even bother to take off this ridiculous dress, the one she won’t even be able to look at again.  Kylo is lucky she didn’t encounter him as she left the campus, furious and shaking. 

Suddenly, Rey embraces Finn, hiding her tear-stained face in his arms.  He tenses visibly, but nonetheless reciprocates the hug, stroking her hair as she weeps.

“Rey…” he starts, unsure what to say. 

“ I love you, Finn.” Rey murmurs, pressing her cheek to his arm. Finn tenses even more, trying to hide his startled expression. Suddenly she finishes the sentence. “You’re my best friend.”

He relaxes for once, loudly exhaling,  and chuckles.  He pulls her down to the bed, laughing.   
“And I love you too, sis. I’m going to kill everyone who’s trying to hurt you, I swear. “

They lie together for a moment and Rey can’t help but think that this friendship brings her solace, calms her after the unexpected brush with the darkness.  Everything seems to go away, melt in this warmth. She looks into her friend’s eyes, and suddenly things start to fall into place.

“Finn… Is it about Poe?”

“...Maybe.”

 

“So, we’re still going to the exhibition today?” Jess asks over her cup of tea.  It’s Friday evening and the sun is already setting.

“I’m in a mood for a party, so the answer is <<yes>>!” Rey exclaims. 

For two weeks she has managed to successfully evade Kylo Ren on campus. She saw him staring one or two times, but she always hid behind Finn’s back. Tonight, she has a carefully devised plan she wants to set in motion.   
“What exhibition?” Poe stops in his tracks, and instead of going straight to his room he flops on the chair next to Finn. “I’ve never been to any”

“So go with us” Rey gets excited. “ It features young modern art, I’m sure it would be fun. We can go to the club after that. And  maybe even drink something before.”

“Sounds like a plan. I should have a bottle of Jagermeister in my secret stash. “ Poe’s smile is wide, blinding and charming. Rey knows now the party is going to be splendid, and pats Jess on the back. 

“Come on, let’s dress up!” 

  
  


  Two hours later they drink their second shot on a dark and damp bus stop, huddled around the bottle.  Finn pours the drink into a shot glass and passes it on. Rey stamps on the pavement.

She has never been wearing high heels before and she’s pretty sure her feet would be sore by the end of the party, but Jess swore it was worth it. She also has styled Rey’s hair in subtle waves. Rey is dressed black for the first time, wearing her friend’s long sleeved black dress.  Alcohol starts to course in her veins, making her a little too happy and a little too bold, but she is okay with that, feeling like nothing in the world could stop her. She has her life, and her friends. And doesn’t need anything more.    
  
By the time they reach the gallery, half of the bottle is empty. Enough to keep them slightly tipsy and warm during cold November night. 

“Wild hearts can’t be broken” Poe reads the title on a poster aloud, as Jess and Rey make attempts to hide the bottle in one of the handbags. “Sounds promising.”

“I’m sure you will like it!” says Finn, as always full of enthusiasm. 

“Oh yes, I’m drunk enough to like it, baby!” he laughs back as they enter the gallery. *

 

Rey takes off her coat and takes Finn and Jess by the hand, pulling them into the crowd. The exhibition is attended by many, and Rey recognises a lot of her classmates and people she saw on the corridors. The gallery is large and dark, consisting of many rooms and narrow hallways.  Poe is following them closely, quickly taking a hold on a wine glass and looking around with curious expression.   
  


They dive into the first room. Rey approaches Poe, wanting to lead him around and talk about some of the artworks, but he’s already staring at them inquisitively.    
  
“Bombs from ping-pong balls? Curious. It looks like stuff we were creating for our LARP games. I wasn’t aware we were doing art”. 

 

Rey’s eyes wander around the walls and she sees that, in fact, the whole wall is covered with glass cases, containing various balls with fuses stuck to it. There was even a walnut posing as a hand grenade. She looks for the note on the wall, searching for any sense the creator of this work had supposedly put into it.   
  
“Chainsaw sword? Are you really sure this isn’t a display of horror movie props?” Poe speaks on, utterly baffled by the odd contraption placed in another glass case. 

“To be honest, it looks pretty cool. Warhammer style.” Finn remarks, looking over his shoulder. Jess giggles uncontrollably.

 

“The author claims this work is a statement about rebellion and anarchy…” Rey starts, being torn apart between being actually ashamed for taking Poe there and suppressing her laughter. Her friend seems to have a lot of fun, openly chuckling and earning disapproving looks from the artsy crowd standing nearby.   
“It looks like someone had decided on recreating <<Mad Max>> in the backyard. After thoroughly raiding grandfather’s garage. And a local golf course” . He empties the wine glass with one swig and discreetly pours himself another one, turning his head back to Rey. “I think I’m going to like this art thing”.

 

They move to the next room, grabbing more wine, which Jess decides to discreetly spice with Jagermeister.  The next exhibit they encounter is a drill hanging on a string with it’s tip strapped to a hi-hat.  Rey covers her ears and shouts:

“What the hell is this?”

“Sound art” Finn shouts back over the hellish noise. The drill swings once again, threatening to break the string and fall to the floor in agony. 

“Nothing to do here” claims Poe quickly retreating.

 

They stumble from room to room, refilling their glasses one by one. Rey notices Phasma, a tall and blonde woman wearing a black shirt and suit, standing nonchalantly by the wall. She knows that she will meet Ren, sooner or later.

“Hey guys, look at that!” Jessica beckons them with a gesture. Her cheeks burn and she seems to be oddly embarrassed,  and as Finn approaches he is rendered speechless. Rey also looks in a direction pointed by her friends, and her face starts to burn red.    
“Is that... a rolling pin? “ Poe asks with a playful grin.   
“I think so.” Finn stutters.   
“It’s a linocut. It takes insane amount of time to chisel it out and print.”

“ Are you actually saying someone had spent HOURS to create a linocut depicting a woman with a rolling pin in her…”

“It’s actually called <<Bad Pussy>>” Jessica interrupts to add the information she had read on the plaque. “ The artist is recounting his relationships with women.” 

“I don’t want to know more about his relationships with women if he puts rolling pins in their butts”

“Maybe she did put it herself?”

 

Rey decides that she has enough of high art and leaves Finn, Poe and Jess in heated discussion to get a refill of her favourite ruby drink. The gallery is lively, full of people swarming in and out of rooms and she quickly loses any sight of her friends.

 

As she picks up another glass she feels a hand falling heavy on her arm. As she turns back, familiar dark eyes pierce her soul once again.   
“Rey, listen. About our last conversation…”

“No, you listen!” She points her finger at Ren’s chest, pushing him away with the gesture. “I don’t know what crazy ideas you have and how devoted to them are you, but what you did was unacceptable.”

“What are you talking about, Rey?” He frowns, but before he can explain himself  Rey attacks again.

“Who do you think you are, destroying my work like that? Have you ever thought what have I done to get here? Do you know you have just ruined my vacation with that? I could have seen Louvre, and now I may not, because of you destroying my work which was to be sold! Can your privileged ass even comprehend it? You didn’t have to fight for anything in your life if destroying things is so easy for you! And to even think I have everfancied you - ugh!  You’re just a ridiculously proud asshole,  standoffish but fucking empty!

“But Rey, I didn’t…” 

“Shut up! And don’t talk to me ever again!”

Kylo tries to approach her but Rey draws back to avoid his touch and suddenly, furious and livid, she spills the wine in his face.  Several people from the crowd, including the redhead man watching the scene from afar giggle and throw confused stares,  as she, triumphant, powered by her rage, puts the glass back with a loud thud and walks out of the room.  Only when she turns back, expecting to see Kylo angered and scornful, and witnesses his starstruck eyes, she starts to fear. 

“Hurry up, we have to go” Rey shouts,  running up to her friends, still laughing at the expense of rolling pin lady. Poe is quite drunk now, offering his interpretation of the artwork to anyone who wants to listen - and a lot of people want to, apparently.

“What happened?” Finn asks, not wanting to end the fun.

“I’ll tell you later”

 

Only when they sit in a rainy park, drunk and tired, remorse hits Rey like a freight train.  She sits on the stone rim encircling the fountain, her high heels kicked off, a bottle in her hand.

“Finn?”

“Yes?”

“On a scale from taking your child to a Beksiński* exhibition to watching Bacon* at night, how terrible idea was this?”

“Like taking acid in Dali’s gallery.”

“But I don’t know if it’s terrible or excellent.”

“Exactly.”

  
Rey laughs. She will face the consequences later. Now, the night is still young and the bottle still not empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is a description of a real, authentic exhibition I've been to. My friend wanted to see an art show for the first time in her life and asked me to go with her and explain art to her.
> 
> As you can see I had A LOT to explain.
> 
> * Zdzisław Beksiński is a polish dark surrealist painter. I strongly recommend getting familiar with his art. One of his pictures is in the header.  
> * Francis Bacon is a british figurative painter known for his grotesque pictures.


	11. The things which will destroy me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I had finished this chapter. I had to overcome a massive writers block. This is rather a bridge to chapter 12 which is going to be huge, and have a lot of questions answered (and have a lot of Kylo/Rey interaction). Thanks for being patient with me <3
> 
> I also have a really huge oneshot I have to finish and edit. So much Reylo! <3

  
  
  


“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world”

 

_   She watches him smashing the sculptures with a hammer. Parts of plaster and dust fly across the pale white room. It’s  sterile and devoid of any character, littered with scattered artworks.  The man drowns in white mist. He drives the hammer through the effigies with an incredible fury and precision. Nothing would be spared. He doesn’t utter a word, just his eyes are burning like a dying star. _

 

_ Rey watches in horror as he turns another statue into dust.  She can barely see the silhouette of a man, his chest glistening with sweat and smeared with chalk, through the haze.  She wants to run away, but cannot move her legs. Then she  looks down and sees that her feet turn into white marble - with pale and grey veins running up her legs.  Man named Ren lifts his gaze and makes a move towards her, the hammer still firmly in his hand.  Rey’s heart starts beating faster, and chained to the ground, she screams.   _

 

And then she wakes up in her room,  with books scattered on a blanket, weighing her heavy to the mattress. She studied late again and fell asleep with the light on.   
  
Rey suppresses a shudder and gets up to have a glass of water, to wash this bitter taste from her mouth.  Her face watches her from the glass pane in the kitchen.  Gritted teeth, dark circles around eyes. Not good. The clock strikes 3 AM and she wonders why those thoughts won’t leave her alone.   
  
She’s not able to redo her sculpture.  Ground the clay and laid Amor and Psyche to rest, forever.  Now she tries to take additional shifts at the garage and all the work and grind combined with exams getting near make her dreadfully exhausted.    
  
Stumbling to her bed she thinks this isn’t fair.  This isn’t fair that despite everything what happened, she still thinks about him.

After the exhibition Rey and her friends went to the club. She flirted with some strangers, danced with them, but when one guy wanted to kiss her she couldn’t bring herself to reciprocate it.  She turned her face away and pretended to search for a phone in her handbag.    
  


There is a certain kind of sadness in Rey, as she lays herself to sleep in her bed. It is hard to admit, but sometimes she really wishes she had avoided him that night. Or, maybe, listened to what she had to say. Her mind taunts her with an impossible thought, that he is not the one who destroyed her work,  that he finds the true culprit and brings him to her as an offering.   
  


Rey is sometimes repulsed at herself, that despite everything that happened she still clings to his image.  Every man she meets seems to be boring, unimaginative, lacking depth she so desperately seeks.  She is afraid to name this twisted affection, knowing it is more pain than beauty, annoyed at her own heart. Everything would be easy if she didn’t want a man with fire in his eyes and gaze that pierces the veil of mundane.  Everything would be easy if she could love someone like Finn. Bright, affectionate and caring, a good man.    
  
But she knows there is a part of her even her sweet, loving friend  would never understand. The part of her craving fire and danger, balancing on the edge of darkness. So Rey thinks, lying in bed all alone, that there is nothing wrong with dreaming - it’s just dreams no one will know about and would never be real. And she imagines his arms cradling her to sleep, black locks curling on the pillow. For a moment everything is fine, the destroyed sculpture had never hit the workshop floor, and his hand had not pushed it. She falls back into cerulean sleep, not caring what would happen in the morning.   
  
  
But the morning hits her hard. The room is cold again, and snow mixed with icy rain hits the windowsill.  It’s 10 AM but feels like 6, and the world barely gets out of the darkness.  Rey  dresses up slowly, and the remorse swirls in her head like a hangover.  She drinks her coffee in a stupor, hurries for the door. While searching for the keys the phone beeps. She instinctively checks the phone and  witnessing the message, her cheeks start to burn. Rey knows she wouldn’t make it to the class today. 

 

“I have to admit, you got yourself into real trouble and I don’t even know how.”  remarks Jess. Rey is livid, striding from one end of the room to another.    
“Do you think it’s him again?” she asks. Her cheeks are still flushed red, heart wrenched with humiliation. “A revenge for the wine in his face?”

“You talentless trash, go back to your godforsaken hole. You cannot even speak English properly” Jess reads the message aloud as Rey cringes. “Forgive me, but this is too primitive and too risky for this guy. He is a teacher, for fuck’s sake. Fake account? Insults? This is a teenager’s job. I bet it’s someone from school. You should report it to the dean immediately. “

“I don’t want to” Rey shudders. “Receiving this is already unpleasant. Everyone will know about it.” 

“Maybe everyone should.”

“I need to think about it.” Rey says bitterly after a moment of tense silence. “But please not now.”.   
  
After Jess leaves home, Rey sighs and curls herself on her bed. She looks at her room with disgust.  It is no longer impeccably white and bright - her clothes mix with empty coffee cups and food plates. Everything lies on the floor, unvacuumed for days, and her desk is stained black with charcoal and paint.  Something in her winces and soon she finds in herself a strength to get up.

 

She knew it would be though from the start. The reality might seem to be too heavy,  but life goes on.

 

So Rey gets up and gets herself together. She puts the music on and starts to tidy up, humming along with the song as she always does. While gathering the clothes and putting them neatly on the hangers, she notices that grey dress, tucked away in the dusty corner behind a dresser.  She picks it up - the garment has already gathered all the dust from the room - and looks at it with certain sadness.  Why did she take her anger on the dress? It’s pretty. That situation is  not it's fault. She has enough demons already, no need to gather another ones. 

As she puts her jewellery in the right order on a hanger, her thoughts are forming an order too. Tidying her space up acts as a therapy right now. Going to talk with the dean may be the right thing to do to break this goddamn mess.    
  


“Rey, sweetheart!” Finn pulls her out of her silent reverie.  He walks through the room to hug her. “ Jess told me what happened”

“It’s ok, Finn” Rey’s voice sounds oddly cold “I don’t want to dwell on that too much”

He hesitates, then reaches to the pocket of his jacket - the one he got from Poe, with his airclub logo on the arm - and gives her a crimson envelope, addressed in gold with her name.

 

Rey takes it from him, holding the letter delicately, as if it could explode in any second.  As soon as she opens it, something small and glittering falls out and hits the wooden floor.  She picks it up, examining contents of the envelope at the same time.

 

“A winter ball organised by the Organa Foundation… For the best scholars under their care… It’s in the museum! And I am invited! Oh my God, Finn, would you go with me? I have never been to a ball before!” All the terrible news seem to disappear. She looks at the thing that had fallen out of the envelope. It’s a pin, a simple red and gold flower. Rey examines it carefully, and at the same time Finn’s phone rings.   
“Hey, Jess! Yes, everything is fine with Rey… Oh, a ball! Well, thank you for the invitation but Rey has actually asked me out…” He doesn’t even manage to finish the sentence when Rey grabs the phone from his hand and shouts to Jess “We’re going to a ball!”

“I know right? I wanted to take Finn with me but seeing you were first…”

“You know what? Go with Finn! I will take Poe. We will attend it as a team anyway!”

“Great! Have you seen the invitation? It’s so beautiful, I’m going to keep this on my desk for months”

“And the pin they’ve included. Should I wear it in my dress? Like in the movies?”

“I haven’t received any pin. Rey, what kind of movies do you watch? No one does that!”   
“It was in the envelope, I swear! A red and gold rose” she says and they both fall silent.   
“I think you have a very persistent secret admirer”  Jess utters after a moment.

 

Despite everything, Rey wears the grey, lace dress in the morning, hoping it would bring her more luck than the last time, and braids her hair. She pins the red rose to her black coat, silently wishing for it to change her life somehow. 

 When she walks through the grey and dull university halls, she doesn’t notice a man following her with his eyes.

  
No one knew Kylo Ren could smile like that.   
  
  



	12. How much the heart can hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a long break, my dearest. My cosplay photography work took a lot of time lately, but I finally have time to catch up with my fics!
> 
> So now... Ballrooms, showdowns and cliffhangers! :)

_   
  
_ _ “I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”  _ __

 

“Watch out with that door! You will slam it on my dress” Jess hisses at Poe, as they crowd the backseat of the Falcon. Chewie and Han blast some AC/DC and smile at each other.

Rey curses herself for not taking any warm boo ts to change because of white and  fluffy snow whirls in the air.  But to hell with it! This is the first ball in her life. At this moment she doesn’t want to think how much she will regret buying her lavender, lacy gown or how will she act in a place where there is more forks than people eating. This is the moment of ecstasy she waited for a long time.

A year ago she was warming her hands up by the bra zier on a cold and ugly street in Jakku, hoping she would find and sell something before Christmas to afford to buy the coal. This year everything is entirely different.  This is her first winter without icicles in the bathroom, soot stains on her face and clothes, hands going sore from digging in snow-covered trash cans.  She feels like Cinderella. 

Driving with Han, who offered them to give a lift to the ball and back, always has the air of something illegal. This is true even now, as he refused to leave Chewie home. The car which should carry four people now carries five and probably some illicit stuff in the trunk. Tonight, it just adds to the excitement.   
  
“Have fun kids, drink responsibly, use protection and do not date assholes” Han jokes, pulling up his car just by the museum entrance, and winks at Rey. She blushes.  

“And what are you going to do tonight?”

“Oh, maybe hang out with Chewie’s girlfriend, drink some mulled wine” Chewie smiles brightly in response and pats Han on the back. 

 

When they get out of the car Rey almost immediately slips on ice in her high heels, but Poe offers her his arm.  She catches her balance and takes short steps by his side. She feels awkward and joyful at the same time - another new discovery in her austere and lonely life.

Her fingers dig into Poe’s arm, and he smiles brightly and charmingly. Jess and Finn follow her, laughing. Finn’s smile is almost as bright as his white tuxedo.

They walk up the stairs to the main entrance. The museum is a huge, neoclassical building chiseled in sandstone, adorned with allegorical sculptures and ornamental frieze. The great, wonderfully lit dome towers over the whole quarter. The trees that grow before it are bare, but due to Christmas coming closer they are swaddled in warm, white lights.  This is fairytale, Rey thinks, as she enters the warm, richly decorated building. 

 

 To her wonder and amusement, they didn’t take the pictures from the walls. She’s been here before, but tonight the interior possesses some special allure. The redhead heroines looking down at Rey from pre- raphaelite paintings look like they would call her to join them at any moment, and even Poe abandons his jokes and watches them with admiration.  There is a jazz band, with a singer crooning subtle tunes on stage and a dancefloor prepared in the main hall.  In another hall, there are tables full of food Rey had never tasted before.   Champagne flutes filled with gold liquid tower over them. 

 

They quickly bump on Finn’s friends. Poe apparently knows them too, so they form a small circle and start to laugh and joke together. Rey has a hard time speaking with people she doesn’t know, so she devours the views with eyes wide open. She spots several teachers: Mrs. Promenti in a printed gown, Chancellor Mothma talking to a petite woman dressed in white, Hux in a surprisingly conventional tux complementing Phasma, clad in  black costume. No sign of ever elusive Luke Skywalker or Kylo Ren. She honestly wouldn’t suspect them of attending an event like that.  Suddenly, exactly when she starts to relax and feel comfortable in a presence of so many people she sees Him. Kylo enters the hall with Bazine Netal at his side. He seems almost nonchalant in an elegant black suit and an unbuttoned black shirt, but moves with a grace of a panther. Bazine beams beside him, in a geometric-patterned, black and white dress. Rey’s cheeks start to burn. 

“Is this a designer gown? It has to be a designer gown”Jess whispers excitedly

 

They won’t ruin Rey’s night tonight. Her fingers touch the rose pin absentmindedly. She loses track of them when one of Finn’s friends starts complimenting her dress.  Rey smiles at the girl and offers her to talk about the paintings. They chat for a while by one of them , “The Martyr of Solway” by Millais, and as the girl leaves to get them some wine Rey stares dreamingly at the artwork, calming her senses.

A touch on her arm startles her.  Almost jumping up, she turns her head and sees Kylo. The man gets closer to her and whispers in her ear.

 

“As soon as the opening ceremony starts, get to the Hades and Persephone chamber. Hide behind the screen. Stay as quiet as you can.”

“Why should I do this? I don’t trust you.”

“I know who broke your sculpture.”

The words act as a spike driven through her heart. He leaves then, pretending to not even know her, and just a minute later Finn’s friend arrives with the wine. Rey grips the glass in her fingers, not sure what to do.  This could be the greatest humiliation in her life. But on the other side, something in his charcoal eyes entice her to trust this man, just for this night.  Besides, her friends are with her. There is always someone to have her back. 

So as they gather in the ballroom to witness the opening ceremony, Rey silently excuses herself. But not before whispering to Jess.

“If I would not be back in a half an hour,  search for me. Persephone and Hades chamber.” Jess nods confidentially. 

 

Rey sneaks out of the crowd, turning her head to see Chancellor Mothma on stage with the white-dressed lady. She has a braided crown and motherly demeanor, but there is an iron hidden under the friendly appearance. Rey has a weird feeling the woman can see right through her, sneaking from under the stage like that.  But still, she swoons past the museum guard, pretending to go to the toilet and sneaks to the aforementioned room instead. It is brightly lit, like the rest of the museum, and completely unguarded. A large copy of “Hades and Persephone” by Bernini graces the middle of a chamber. The white marble shines in the dim light. Rey turns around, hearing the footsteps on the granite floors in the hallway, and quickly notices the screen Kylo mentioned. There is a guard’s chair behind it.  Rey stands on it, to hide her high-heeled feet from view, and silently curses her shoes for the night.  Why does she have to love stilettos so much?

She sees nothing, but can perfectly hear two people entering the chamber. The small steps of a girl and heavy ones of a man.

“Alone, at last!” Bazine exclaims loudly. Kylo says nothing as they progress through the room. They stop dangerously close to the ornately painted screen . Rey’s breath hitches. 

“I’m actually glad I took  you to the ball instead of Rey. I haven’t planned on attending, but you’re an excellent companion.” Kylo’s voice is pleasant and seducing, but there is a false tone ringing to it. Is this what he wanted her to hear? Him hitting on Bazine? But it’s already too late to back off.   
“Rey? Don’t make me laugh!” Bazine’s laughs cruelly. “Unless you wanted to joke on her. This is the only thing this eastern peasant is good for.”

“Yes, I wanted to.” he laughs forcefully. “You prank her a lot, don’t you?”

“Prank?” Bazine scoffs. “I want her out of this class. Who does she think she is? I thought toppling her sculpture would be enough to scare her off. I stole the key to the workshop. But no, she still showed up to the class anyways, so I had to send her some blackmail. People like that don’t belong in the arts, she has no refinement, no style!”

“I don’t know. Let's ask her what does she think about it. Rey, please, come out” He calls her, and Rey hears Bazine’s loud gasp. Rey’s legs carry her against her will and soon she emerges from behind the screen just to witness Bazine crying, her wrist in Kylo’s iron grasp, as the man turns off the recording in his phone.

“How do you want to deal with her?” he asks without reservations, his lips curled into a smile.  “We can go straight to the dean on Monday. I bet you know what is the punishment for stealing the university's property and destroying the other’s artworks is, don’t you?”

“You fucker! I will tell them you wanted me to sleep with you for grades!” Bazine hisses. She looks as if she wants to spit in his face.

“It’s your word against my word. Or better, it’s your word against my recordings.” Kylo looks at her briefly, then turns his intense stare to Rey, waiting patiently.  She knows she could have her expelled with one word. But her decision is different.

“I will report her to the dean.” Rey smiles. “But not now. She will never know when. Let the fear be the punishment that she deserves. And let me know if you have any trouble. I would gladly provide my account on her false accusations.”

Kylo finally releases Bazine from his grip, and she storms out the chamber. Her face is stained with tears as she shouts:

“Everyone knows you sleep with the students!”

“But not those who I teach!” he calls to her, chuckling, but she’s too far away to hear it. The man turns towards Rey and cocks his head playfully.

“I’m sorry I blamed you.” Rey utters. They are alone and his presence is not threatening anymore. She may feel a bit head over heels, but there’s no sense of danger.  “How can I repay you?”

“Spend this evening with me.” Kylo moves closer towards her. “You’re actually the only reason I am here. Grant me  your presence at least for that time.”

“Don’t you like parties like that?”

“Too many people, I don’t want to see them. But you are not one of them”

She nods in agreement and they come back to the party together. As they enter the crowd, she can feel his fingers wrapping around hers as Kylo pulls her towards the tables.

“Stop taking my hand!” she protests faintly, seeing Jess pointing at her to Finn and Poe, their jaws dropped.

“You know I can take whatever I want.” Kylo replies, and there is a thrill and a promise in those words, instead of a threat. “Have you ever been to a ceremony like that?” He asks while handing her a champagne flute. 

Rey hesitates for a while - pretend or stay brutally honest? She chooses the latter, reminding herself he already knows too much of her. 

“Never.” she shakes her head. “ There was a small party when I finished high school. I couldn't afford a dress so I didn’t go. They would bully me anyway.” 

“Some people do not need expensive dresses to look marvelous.” he whispers.

Was it about her? No, it couldn’t be about her.  He told her already he wants her in his class, and he doesn’t sleep with the ones he teaches. The wild thought about sleeping with him runs through her mind, and is as absurd as exciting.

This is a part of his plan. Nothing more. But she may indulge herself in this illusion. Just for one night. 

 

She dips her lips in the champagne, hoping she would not get drunk too quickly, not in his presence, as he leads her around the table and gives her all the exotic, fascinating things she has never eaten. Colourful sushi rolls. Shrimps.  If her lack of sophistication embarrasses him, he doesn’t let this show.  To her surprise, an entirely different man emerges before her eyes. The twisted, dark artist is now subdued. She has a bright, charming and well-read man by her side.

“Would you like to dance?” He asks out of the blue. Rey acts as struck by lightning.

“I have… I have never done this before. “ she utters, blushing. “I can’t dance.”

“Come on. No one here knows how to dance. People are swaying to the sides. I will lead you.” ” he demands, his silken voice now low and husky .   
And then he does. Rey follows him to the dancefloor like hypnotized, despite feeling the eyes  of entire ballroom. He places one hand on her waist and takes her other hand. The band starts the first tones.   
“I don’t know what to do.” Rey trembles again. She is going to faint. Or stumble. Or do something equally ridiculous. 

“Just let me lead you.” 

Kylo is  sure of his step and determined, and soon Rey feels like flowing over the luminous pavement.  He never stops keeping his eyes off her. The word narrows to the two of them and music around her. The singer is crooning the words softly.

 

_ I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream _

_ I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam _

_ And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem _

_ But if I know you, I know what you'll do _

_ You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream _

 

She doesn’t fall, she doesn’t stumble. She hovers as if his touch has made her weightless.  If this is an illusion, it is worth dying for. Just when the music stops, she notices everybody  is looking at her. She notices Finn. He seems to be mortified.   
Before Rey is able to do anything Kylo whisks her away, taking her by the hand towards the darkened corridors. 

“How did you like it?” He asks, as  their steps echo through the empty halls. 

“I loved it”. Rey is almost breathless. She sees a glimpse of herself in the tall antique mirror, and she doesn’t recognize herself. Who is this girl with stars in her eyes and her hair, running away with dark stranger through moonlit museum corridors?    
“I want to show you something” Kylo whispers.  He leads her behind one of the velvet ropes, barring the entrance to one of the rooms, and in Rey’s mind fear mixes with a thrill of the forbidden.

 

Soon they stand face to face with a picture, a large canvas in a simple black frame. It is a portrait of a blonde man, with long and curly hair and soft features. A lady stands behind him, holding a blindfold just before his eyes. Rey is unable to decide if she is blinding him or letting him see.  The artwork seems soft and hazy, full of golden light, set in light bronzes, reds and golds. The woman seems to be worried, as if some distant shadow has muddled her dreams.    
“It’s fascinating.” Rey comes closer to the picture. Kylo steps just behind her and suddenly embraces her from behind.  His arms wrap around her shoulders and Rey is surprised by his closeness. No human being has ever touched her like that. 

“They are my grandfathers.” he looks inquisitively at the painting. “This work puzzles me to no end.”

“Why?”

“I understand all the others. I know what he wanted to say. I know the calling of darkness, the allure of a dark side. Chaos of power you cannot control. A crowd of thoughts you cannot calm. But this one? This is different. The only figurative painting he ever did. Why is it so different? Why did he decide to go against everything he preached?”

“Love.” Rey replies without thought. As if the answer was obvious.

“What is this thing called love that you speak of?” He laughs. “No, it cannot be something so trite. There has to be a deeper meaning.”

His reply strikes Rey like a sharp pin through the heart. His embrace feels like a shackle. But suddenly, the phone buzz saves her.    
“My friends are calling. “ She whispers. “I have to go.  If they go without me, I won’t have a lift home.”

“So early?” He seems surprised.

“ I work in the morning.” 

“So stay with me. I live on this street. I can drive you to work in the morning.”

“Sorry, my friends are waiting. I will message you once I get home. I promise!”  Her pulse is hastened with the panic.  She can think of only one reason a man can invite a girl over for a night, and it definitely is not to talk about art.

“So I will walk you to the car” he offers her his arm again. Well, he took the refusal gracefully . 

 

When they come back to the ballroom, it’s noticeably emptier than before. Some people sway on the dancefloor, a lot of them ghost between the tables with their cheeks red and ties loosened. 

 

“Promise to message me when you’re home?” Kylo asks once again, his fingers wrapping against her wrist as he hands her the coat. 

“Sure. As soon as I hit the pillows”

 

Ren opens the door for her and steps outside.  Rey sees Han and waves at him, but the man seems not to notice her as he approaches them, wading through the snow. 

 

“Ben!” He shouts.

“Father?”


	13. From Time to Eternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In previous chapter:
> 
> Rey attends the ball at the museum held by Organa Foundation. She meets Kylo there, thinking at the beginning he had chosen Bazine, but he wants to meet with her in secret in one of the rooms. He does this to expose Bazine, who turns to be the one who destroyed Rey's sculpture and blackmailed her. Kylo offers the proofs of her misdeeds to Rey and asks her to spend the evening with him, to which she agrees. He turns out to be an intelligent and charming man, and Rey is quite smitten with him, but his certain remarks do scare her. He shows her the artwork of his grandfather and asks Rey to stay with him until morning, but she refuses.  
> As Kylo walks Rey to the car he recognizes Han as his father, to surprise of everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PAIN TRAIN INCOMING, I AM SO SORRYYYYYYY
> 
> So... We knew that moment is going to inevitably come, but it was hard for me to even write it - so I chose this form to narrate the events. I hope to uncover what exactly Snoke wants from Kylo, what happened to him he is acting that way and I hope the ending of this chapter will sweeten the inevitable tragedy a bit. The fragments marked with cursive include mentions of self-harm and mental ilness, so if you do not want to read it you can skip it :)
> 
> I'm eagerly awaiting your comments - they always make me attune the story a bit to your liking and the responses show me if I'm leading it properly. Actually this is the best thing in all the writing - replying you :) Also I've added a song for this chapter. Let me know how it works for you - if you like it I will add each for all the previous chapters :)

_“_ _My own bones have grown into a prison,_

 _lonely as Naxos – my blood is the Styx._ _”_

 

The antiseptic light is cold and devoid of any colour. To be honest, everything is, as if the world had suddenly turned to monochrome.  Rey picks at a scab at her hand mindlessly. Under her clothes, all the wounds are scratched thoroughly.

“Miss… Uh…” The policeman cannot pronounce her foreign surname.

“Rey. Please. Just call me Rey.”  Her voice trembles. No amount of sedatives could prepare her for that.

“Miss Rey, did you take part in an accident on Starkiller Street, 3rd of December, at 1:30 AM?”

“Yes.”

“Did you know Han Solo before?”

“Yes.” Another mindless nod.

“Who was he to you?”

“My boss. And a friend. He wanted to drive us home after the ball.”

“And his son? Ben Solo? Did you know him?”

“Not really.”

“Did he accompany you to the event?”

“I’ve met him there. He helped me to settle a personal matter.”

“What kind of?”

“A girl from my school was bullying me. He witnessed it and told her to leave me alone.”

“Did you know he and Han Solo were related?”

“No, until they started arguing.” Rey feels that the tears are hitting the table. She looks at her hands again. Smudged ink adds to the  bloodstains.

“What was the argument about?” The policeman seems to be indifferent, scribbling something in a notebook.

“I don’t know. Family matters, probably. I was embarrassed and slightly drunk, and chose to stay in the car with my friend.”

“Did anyone else witness  the argument?”

“No, we were alone on the street”

“Why do you think Mr Solo started following you?”

“He wanted to talk to his father.  I was tired and probably dozed off at the time.”

“So, you don’t remember how  the accident happened? The man taps his pen impatiently. Rey is oddly focused on the black dot it leaves on the paper every time it touches the surface.

“Han started to curse and tried to set the course straight. But he hit Kylo… Ben’s car when he tried to overtake us. The rest is  a blur.”

“So why did you try to attack Mr Solo when he got out of the car?”

“I saw smoke, Finn and Han were bleeding… I remember only blood.” The tears are now a curtain and she can see nothing - the room, the man, the colourful posters on the walls. Everything mixes up in a greyish, wet mess.

 

Soon she walks out of the police station, shaking frantically. Chewie follows her as Rey storms out of the building.

“I told them everything you wanted me to say.” she mutters to the man, who tries to catch up to her.

“Rey, look…” he starts as they disappear by the corner and enter the park, now bare and covered with patches of half - melted snow.

“I don’t blame you.” She says blankly, staring into space.

“I have never told you why I’ve asked you to lie” Chewie speaks slowly, fighting back the tears. “You deserve the truth. Han deserves it”.

 

They sit in Chewie’s old lorry, looking at the sea. It is as grey as everything else, and Rey perceives it as a hungry, shapeless void. Maybe it took away her soul, because it was nowhere to be found. The biker rolls himself a cigarette, and tobacco falls to the floor. She offers one to Rey. The girl accepts.

 

_“Han and his old lady, they always were trouble. I liked her, but I told him from the start - wealthy, ambitious, intelligent, with a crazy family. Always seemed to shout at everyone.  But he fell in love instantly, because she was the only one who was brave enough to contradict him.  And soon, they had a son, though none of them was prepared well enough._

_I cared for him as much as I could, but I was young and had my own life. And he had his own parents, who should be there instead of scruffy teenaged biker._

_Of course they tried to look after him, but they thought a decent education would suffice. Or buying him expensive stuff._

_His parents was so proud of their smart son. But they thought he was old and bright enough to understand the situation. And after all, Ben was just a child who couldn’t comprehend why his mom is throwing a crystal decanter at his dad._ _  
_ _They have never noticed that his drawings got darker as he got older. Or his hair got longer.  I told them that Ben had scars which did not look like an accident. “He must have scratched himself while sculpting” Han said and we took off for another racing season. When we went back his son was already hoarding pills in a vitamin bottle under his bed. And sat in a darkened room for hours.  “He needs the darkness for drawing” she said and went for another political rally. It was just when he took all the pills at once they had understood he is slipping away. Drifting on the ice floe too fast, while they stayed on the shore and could only watch. Of course they tried to help. Enrolled him in the terapy, asked his uncle, Luke, to be his mentor. They told him about his grandfather. That his gifted hand carries his legacy. But he took it all wrong and reached for the dark one. And set fire to everything they taught him._

 

_There was this man he met on uni. Influential. Knowledgeable. Manipulative. He saw a potential in Ben, but not for art. For being manipulated, for being sold, marketed to public as dark and tormented man.  Like his grandfather.  He encouraged his self-harm. He advertised it and successfully sold it.  Gave him the feeling of self-sufficiency along with the money. Pushed him to stand against his uncle and family, promising false retribution.  He feeds on his loneliness, like an old, disgusting leech._

 

_You know what would turn Ben’s art into a vein of gold?_

_What if I told you all the most expensive artists are dead?_  
_  
_ So that’s why I wanted to protect Ben. He would die in prison. And then this fucker would win.  Han would never agree to that. He realized lately that he had made a mistake. But he didn’t believe, unlike Ben’s mother, that he can reach him anymore.

_I don’t think Ben is lost forever. I know he wants to go back before that man drives him to suicide for profit.  But we all had disappointed him._

 

_That’s why he reached out to you.”_

 

They sit in silence for a minute, blowing smoke clouds through semi-opened windows.

“I don’t know if I could look at him again.” Rey says after a while. “I’m almost sure he cut us off on purpose. That Han’s death is his fault.”

“Even if so,  he already pays for it. Not only with his scarred face.” Chewie sighs. “I just wanted you to know, because you were pulled into this. I don’t know if it’s a twist of fate, or a cruel joke of the gods. This is not your fault by any means. And I don’t really think it’s fully Ben’s fault.  Just an aftermath of  a situation we, grown up people, failed to resolve.”

“When I talked to him… ” Rey begins, gazing  at the sea. “… I felt that he is two different people at once. One intelligent, brilliant, charming. He could seduce me with just one word. But then he immediately said something cruel , as if he wanted me to back off. “  
“I think that Ben absolutely thinks that he cannot be loved. He often masks himself with cruelty, like  he would be afraid of being hurt. But he yearns for love. No matter how hard he tries to smother it.”

“ I don’t know what to think of this… ” Rey shakes her head. “I have my own worries, like exams. I need to focus on myself.”

“I know, sweetheart.”  Chewie replies while starting the car. “I’ll drive you home.”

 

The snow which was so pristine just a few days ago now turned to a greyish sludge under the car wheels. A good metaphor for what just happened to her life.

Just before leaving the vehicle she impulsively embraces Chewie. The man closes her up in his arms, smothering her sob.

“Do you have anywhere to go? “ Rey asks.  
“Maz took me to her house. She helps me get on my feet.” He sends her a broken smile. “Take care, little one. Good luck on the exam. And hug Finn from me. Is he getting better?”

“I think so, luckily it’s just a broken rib.  Poe  took a vacation to stay with him. He seems really concerned”.  A faint smile flickers through Rey’s face. “Please call me anytime you need me. You’re like family to me.”

“ I will baby, I will. Remember one thing : whatever you do, don’t let it destroy you” Chewie waves at her as she enters the building.  Walking up the stairs is tiresome as never before, and the stairway seems to have no end.  The long shadows creep up, following her as the early winter night descends upon her home.  Her flat doesn’t welcome her with bright lights and laughter as always, just with muted music and incandescence from Finn’s room.

“Finn, I’m home!” she shouts and opens the door.  Hearing no reply she walks to her friend’s room and opens the door.

 

 Startled eyes of both Finn and Poe meet her, as they break the kiss, surprised by her entrance.

“Rey it’s…”  Poe begins, stuttering nervously.

“It’s finally official, I guess?” She suddenly smiles brightly - she didn’t know that she still was able to.

“I think so.”  Finn replies as the three of them begin to chuckle lightly.

“So I’ll leave you alone, lovebirds.” Rey almost whispers, wave of warmth flooding her heart.

Who knew that amidst most barren of ashes, love still can grow.


	14. Love within the stilness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In previous chapter Rey deals with the aftermath of a car crash that happened after a ball - during which Han is killed and Finn is badly hurt. Chewie asks Rey to testify that the crash was a pure accident, despite her being convinced it was intentionally caused by Kylo. He tells her the story of Solo family, and Rey discovers that Kylo struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts from the early age due to his parents neglect. She also learns that Mr. Snoke, a powerful art agent, wants to drive Kylo to suicide in order to monetize his fame as a tormented and struggling artist. Coming back home she discovers that the dramatic course of events brought Finn and Poe together and they are now a couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dearests :) I promise, promise the pain train ride is almost reaching it's destination. I'm preparing a special chapter for Christmas :)

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“Everybody’s damaged.  It’s just a question how badly, and whether you are healing or still bleeding”

  
  


“Master Skywalker?” 

The workshop is dark and damp, smell of clay permeating the air. Rey and Jess stand in the doorway and Rey can feel her friend catching her hand, small fingers digging into her skin. Jess shakes.  The man turns towards them, looking at them scornfully and inquisitively. 

“We had an appointment for a master class exam with you, Master Skywalker.” Rey continues.  She has no fear - to be honest she doesn’t even care in that state if she gets admitted to the master class or not.  Life slips through her fingers like a silk rope and last two weeks just passed without a mark. 

The teacher, looking like a bearded sage, points at the small still life piled up in the corner and says:

“Pencil or charcoal. You have one hour”

Then he locks himself in an adjacent room, leaving the girls alone. They exchange looks as they pick up their pieces of paper. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll pass.” Rey whispers. Jess smiles faintly.

She draws mechanically, almost mindlessly.  Her thoughts constantly drift away in different directions. There is no focus in her. Just grey static she drowns in.  Skywalker seems to be cold, distant and uncaring but Rey didn’t expect anything different. Just tries to survive another day, another hour, knowing the unpleasant time would pass and she could just go back to dreamless, breathless sleep. 

“Go home.” a stern voice pulls her back to reality. She thinks it is directed at her, but suddenly realizes it is Jess who gets up and picks her belonging. The tears are welling up her eyes. Before Rey tries to protest, to offer herself instead of her friend,  Jess leaves. Skywalker doesn’t grace neither of them with even a gaze.

“You.” he pauses, as if speaking to Rey caused him a great displeasure “Report to me first day after the holiday break, at 8 AM. And you will obey the rules of this workshop, from now on.”

Rey wants to ask what kind of rules, as she is not keen on agreeing on something she doesn’t know about, but the master’s gaze silences her again.    
“From now on” Skywalker continues “you are forbidden to display any work done outside this workshop. Failing to do so will get you immediately expelled from this class. And after the break, I want to see twenty hand studies . And three compositions.”

“Should I…”

‘“You are dismissed now.” Luke cuts the discussion short and once again, disappears behind the door leaving Rey petrified. She slowly takes her backpack and leaves. 

  Jess is already gone, and the only reply to Rey’s call is a message saying “Give me some time. I need to cry it out”. The words hang heavy on Rey’s heart. 

 For some reason she doesn’t want to go home. Finn and Poe seem to be so happy, so full of light despite everything that had happened, and she loves Finn so much poisoning him with her sadness seems like a crime. She puts her headphones on and goes for a long stroll towards the city center.  Freshly fallen snow covers her footprints almost immediately.

 

  She tells herself  that it is a pure accident she ends up on Takodana Street. And lies to herself that she doesn’t wonder if Ben really lives so close to that place. Striding street after street she looks at the windows, unconsciously searching for a familiar face, now scarred by her own hand. A mark to remember forever.

 

He disappeared out of her sight after that night. He vanished from social media and no one saw him on campus. At first she welcomed this emptiness with a relief. But with each passing day it turned into a growing void.  For last few months he appeared in her life one way or another - she was fascinated by him, hated his guts, was afraid or enchanted by him. And for that little moment at the ball Rey saw a glimpse of true man hiding under the mask, so raw and intimate. He covered himself with thorns again, but a memory of Ben, not Kylo, leading her to dance engraved itself in her mind.  Rey cannot bring herself to call him Kylo anymore. Not after everything Chewie told her.

 

Soon, on Moraband Street, she spots his black Toyota, still covered with a dark  tarp in a place the front was crashed.  Almost against her will Rey approaches the nearby building and traces the tenant’s list hanging near the front door with her finger.  The name “Ren” figures on it.  So, he lives on the last floor, in the attic.  She looks up to gaze at the windows and feels a sudden wave of shame, storming away from this place. She shouldn’t even seek him, after all he did.

 

As led by invisible hand and to cover her guilt growing in her gut like an angry monster, the girl turns towards the cemetery.  Soon she treads between sultry cypresses, but not before buying a solitary candle for her friend’s grave.  The dead sleep a quiet slumber under a serene blanket of snow and Rey cannot help but feel envy towards them.  After a while, she manages to calm herself too,  as snowflakes tangle in her hair and eyelashes, music flows freely, and the early sunset illuminates with a thousand colours -violet, red, pink and blue.  As Rey wades through the snow,  she sees it is almost untouched. Just a single line of footprints cuts the whiteness. She sees Han’s grave from between the trees and for a single moment she is sure someone left one of the black tarps covering the ground after funeral.  But when she gets closer, bundled fabric  turns out to be a man, hunched over the sepulchre. 

 

He lifts up his gaze and their eyes meet.

 

A scar, thin red line cuts his face, starting from the temple and dropping through the nose bridge towards Kylo’s jaw. The mere sight is so painful for Rey, like a stake driven through her heart.  But the most terrible thing is his that the fire in his eyes which burned so brightly before, is now all but extinguished. There’s only an endless void of pain. Nevertheless, he still manages to rise up, wet snow sticking to his coat and his hair.

 

“Rey… don’t go. Please…”


	15. The language of love letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In last chapter, Rey passes the test for Master Skywalker's class. It brings her no happiness, though. Jess doesn't get admitted with her and takes it really badly, shying away from her friend. Skywalker turns out to be harsh and demanding teacher, not answering any of Rey's questions and forbidding her to display her own artworks outside the workshop. Rey, saddened by the turn of events and not wanting to burden Finn and Poe with her mood, goes to visit Han's grave. She meets Kylo there. The man is grieving after his father and begs her to stay with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the pain train reaches it's last station! There is going to be only better from now on.
> 
> The Christmas chapter will be posted tomorrow, and now I have something special for you. I have thought about giving Kylo his own voice for a chapter and decided that his version of a story is a good intermission. His character was always really personal to me, so is this piece. I hope you'll enjoy it and stay tuned for the next one :)

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"For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken. It’s so lovely, dawn-caleidoscopic within the cracks” 

  
  


_ I thought… _

  


_ I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess, I wanted to stop you. Make you stay with me. Make him stay.  Yes, I probably hated him in that moment. This is something between love and hate, a vicious cycle. They disappoint you, but you still care to make everything right, and then they disappoint you once more. _

  


_ So you’re constantly torn apart between this righteous anger and desire to have family by your side, to make everything normal. Even if you know it’s not meant to be. It never goes out, and even if you think all the pain is finally gone, the shadow is going to resurface one time or another.  _

  


_ I got used to it.  Until I met you. _

  


_ I am fully aware, that you got it worse. That’s why I am astonished by you - your ability to survive in such conditions, to stay so resilient despite everything, is what brought me to you in the first place _ **_._ ** _  I’ve been privileged science I was born, but it haven’t helped me in anything. How do you do that? How do you get yourself together so brilliantly? _

  


_ And yet I think we have something in common. Lonely days, sleepless nights, pain transformed into art.  Kindred spirit. Or maybe I finally went mad and there is no reprieve for me anymore. _

  


_ I remember thumbing through a stack of applications lying in the university office during staff meeting _

_ I was bored out of my mind and entertained myself with imagined stories about the people I saw in the photos. And then I found yours.  Finally I smuggled a copy out of the office. I was reading it on and on until the midnight. Every sleepless night was nothing, comparing to that one. I wasn’t able to sit still for more than a minute. I was smoking one cigarette after another to kill time, but something haunted me inside. Was it the story of hunger, frost and loneliness, or your unyielding hazel eyes looking at me from the photo? _

_  
_ _ I wanted to have a student like that, with will of iron, someone who knew how to fight  tooth and nail for life.  _

  


_ When I saw you for the first time at the uni I was starstruck. With your vibrancy, cleverness, keen eye. You seemed to master everything I was bad at - happiness, energy, joy.  But I knew that it would be hard to convince you to join my department. _

  


_ Hence the mask.  _

  


_ The truth about me is that I was never sure of myself. Since I was a kid I was  trying to impress everyone. My mother was constantly meeting child prodigies and spoke about all the brilliant kids who learned to count before they could stand on their own. _

_ My dad lived his life on the racetrack and didn’t know what to do with a boy who preferred crayons to toy cars. _

_ People at school… let’s say I was an easy target. _

_ Knowing that your friend had probably told you what an asshole I was, I wanted to try harder. Perhaps I was trying too hard. _

  


_ And then, you saw right through me and contradicted me with full force.  I didn’t expect that.  This gesture amazed me so much I knew only one thing - I want you in my life. As a shadow. As a friend. As a lover.  I don’t want to give a name to this feeling, not yet.  _ __  
_  
_ _ Everytime I called it by the name, it turned its back on me.  Having relationships with other people always seemed to be an elusive ability. _

_ A misplaced, alienated boy grew up to be a misplaced, alienated man, drowning his loneliness in fleeting romances, false friendships, building guards against his heart. _

_  
_ _ Through all these years, I haven’t seen any point in being myself. This was not what anyone wanted - I have lost all will to oppose it, just going with the flow, wearing crudely crafted masks to appease everyone around me.  _

_ But what I’ve done to my father, what I’ve done to you showed me it is time to change this path. _

  


__ So I’m standing with my bare heart against your walls, against all your shields. Will you spare me this last chance to have you in my life? 


End file.
